Blessed Inconvenience

This was originally posted on another blog December 2010

I’ve had a few days this past week where my daughter was home sick from school. I don’t work a “regular” job so I was home with her.  Normally I am gone during the day so I thought this would be a great time to do those things that always need to be done: dishes, laundry, sweeping the floor. . .

I tried. Then my husband said, “I think you should sit with your daughter and read to her.”

Big beautiful grey eyes peered up at me with hope. So I set aside the dishcloths and closed my laptop and sat down to snuggle with my daughter. And read out loud to her. A lot.

My preference would have been to be on my computer, writing.  Or doing social networking, or reading an adult book “in my head.” Or at least accomplishing chores.

But then I seriously had to take myself in hand and set all of that aside to simply be with a little girl who wanted her Mommy for more than just some pain relief or to help her plug in a video. In the three days she was sick, my little girl did not want to be on-line or watching anything electronic. She simply wanted to be – with me.

I thought I had killed off the energizer bunny years ago when Hashimoto’s disease claimed my energy and ability to do things. I thought I had put to death my need to accomplish something to feel good about myself.

No. It might have gotten shoved under the bed with my winter boots – but it came out of hiding this week.

I hate to say this. I am an author. I love to write books. I love to read books. I desire for my children to love to read books. In our home, books are to be treated with respect and honor (not left on the floor). They are treasures. Here’s the confession: I do not like to read out loud.

Why? I don’t know! I start to yawn. I get tired. I can do it. I can give voices to the characters and make a story fun. I used to do this for forensics in high school and I was good at it! I would win awards for it.

So I’m struggling with guilt inside because it takes supreme effort for me to set aside other things for that which is more important, a precious little girl that God has given to me to raise and love. And read.

My daughter adores me. She loves to snuggle and be kissed and tells me over and over and over “I love you” and she loves to hear it too. She’s a pretty independent little miss at six years of age now. So why was it hard to set aside my chores, or simply what I enjoy, to meet her deepest need to simply be with me and a book?

My mom read to me as a kid. I don’t remember that, but I’ve been told that was why I was such an early – and prolific – talker. What I remember of my experience as a child though was that as more kids came along, my mom did not have time for me. I was an inconvenience. At some level I fight against the inclination to act the way I remember most of my childhood as being. An inconvenience.

I don’t ever want my little girl to feel like she is less than important to me. Yes, there will be times when other things simply need to be done. But overall, my central goal as a mom, is to be there, to help her grow and be confident in who God has made her to be. How else can that happen but by spending time with her? Talking with her. Snuggling her when she is sick and yes – reading books to her for hours.

My little girl is feeling better and is back in school – and still, I struggle inside with these ugly truths. I am far from the mother I want to be. I know I am the best mother for my little girl. God has gifted her to me. Yet confronting my family of origin yuck and my own sinful and selfish behaviors leave me feeling less than adequate for the task.

I’m too responsible sometimes, and need to lighten up and simply relax and play. The blogs will get written. The book will eventually get done. My greatest work however lies in the heart and soul of three children God has given to me. Not just to meet their physical needs for food, shelter and safety – but for unconditional love as well, which is sometimes best shown in: time, touch, and the reading of a good book.

Praying you can slow down during these holidays and treasure those moments with those you love as well.

My Deepest Need

Originally published March 2012.

We have an enemy and too often I forget that he coils like a snake, poised to strike when I least expect it.

And then the bite comes.

Always to my most vulnerable areas.

I need affirmation.  The attack will come on my worth and my abilities to do what God has called me to do.

I need love.  The attacks come in that being withheld and and venemous words are spewed forth that mean anything but love – only disrespect and disdain instead.

I need security. The attacks come in threats against my ability to stay in a house I love, or buy food we need, or take care of medical expenses that come up.

Why does this hurt so much? Because in my humanness I want these things from a man. I want these things from a husband. I want to know I’m loved and cherished and that somehow I will be provided for and that the things I do matter.  Even when I sometimes fail or have a bad day.

This is not my reality.

Sometimes I look for this elsewhere.  Friends?  But they all have their own needs too. And their responsibility is not as great as that of a person who has made promises before God and others.

How about those I minister with? Again, sometimes the strikes come from there as well. Friendly fire which sometimes comes as an arrow aimed to hurt but masked in pious language.

Chocolate? Oh, wait. That doesn’t quite work either.

So what’s a girl to do?



Seek to reorient myself to the One who made me, died for my sins and is ultimately responsible for my every breath. Ultimately I need to depend on Him. Why is this so hard?

David lamented as he hid in caves hunted by King Saul, separated from his wife and home and responsible for the care, safety and feeding of the men who were with him.

Similar to me shepherding my children while under attack.

But David, even though he was in sorrow and grief and wondering was able to comfort himself with the truth that God stored all his prayers in a bottle.  Every tear we cry is precious to our Heavenly Father. And then, in Psalm 56:9b he says: “This I know: God is for me.”

For me.  God is FOR me. Not against me like human sometimes are. He is FOR you too.

Love, security and affirmation. The holy, almighty, sovereign, eternal God of the universe – is FOR me.  He treasures my tears, how much more my life and basic needs?

Life is not going to get easier.  But if I can rest in the truth that a good and great God is FOR me, maybe I can make it through the day clinging to Him and not lamenting how those needs are not met elsewhere.  And trust Him for my next breath as well as where I will live and how I will feed my children in the months to come.

He has always been faithful. Always. I have no need to doubt that now.

So I will cry.

I will pray.

I will cling to Him.

How about you? What are your deepest needs?  Can you find your fulfillment of them in Jesus? If not, what’s keeping you from that?