Lifeline

The Anti-love Story

This post is originally from February 2011

I chuckled when I discovered that my non-fiction book: “Lessons from the Trenches: Staying in a Difficult Marriage” did not make the cut in the Women of Faith/Westbow competition.

It looks like most of the finalists were romance. Yes, we all want romance. Who wants reality?

A few months back when I was working on the book, a bride-to-be and her mother were sitting down at a table next to me planning for a wedding. The irony of that struck me. She has stars in her eyes, dreams in her heart and confidence in the power of love that will sustain her till she is old and grey through whatever comes their way. It’s a dream we all buy into, isn’t it?

That’s why Disney has made so much money. Why my daughter loves to watch movies about Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid . . . we are raised from early on in the good ol’ US of A to believe that the pursuit of happiness means “happily ever after.”

And no one could tell us it’s a myth. Yet it’s as much a deception as the prosperity gospel that promises that God desires us all to be wealthy and healthy and anything less is an abomination to the faith.

Hosea was told to marry a prostitute and repeatedly take her back as an example to the Israel of how they were treating God. How Hosea’s heart must have been crushed over and over. Now maybe he was a less than stellar example of manhood. We really don’t know. But it had to be a blow to his pride to have his wife repeatedly seek her “entertainment” with other men.

Most women feel shamed and slighted even when a husband chooses to stimulate himself through pornography. It’s like they are not enough to hold his interest, to satisfy his needs. Actually it has nothing to do with that – but tell that to a woman’s hurting heart.

We women long to be the center of our husband’s love. After Jesus, we want to be important, secure, protected, cherished. And we crash inwardly when that is withheld from us for whatever reason.

The enemy is behind all these lies that we have bought into and we are gullible enough to keep pursuing the myth.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. I remember one where I got a dozen red roses. I still have the vase. It’s in my bathroom with silk roses. A mockery of the promise of vibrant love that turned plastic. The diamond I had been given one year, I ended up giving back. I then got it as a necklace, I was too hurt and afraid to wear. Last year due to our financially difficulties I finally sold it to help buy groceries. I put it to better use than sitting in a drawer where it had been for 20+ years, another reminder of pain and sorrow. I still have my wedding ring, although it too feels like a mockery of promises made and unkept.

So reality sucks, doesn’t it? When we have been hurt, abandoned, criticized, abused. . . Valentine’s Day doesn’t seem like a nice holiday. It mocks us and reminds us of our loss and maybe even brings us to grieve again those childhood dreams.

I’m still married in spite of all that. I’m walking in obedience to my Lord in the midst of my pain and struggle. My girlfriend said that my book is not an “un-romance” but rather a look at the most important romance of all – of me and my Jesus. The God who pursued me and gave me more than diamonds. He gave His life to redeem mine. That is true love and it is eternal and far more secure than what any human on earth can give.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I do wish you love and joy. But I pray that you ultimately are finding that in the arms of a Savior who desires you more than any human ever could. He will never leave or forsake you and He will walk with you through the pain of the other disappointments that this life dishes out. This world is not my home. Someday I will have all the hearts and flowers and a place to live beyond compare that my Lord is building for me – and for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Blessings

Living in the Grey

This post was originally written January 2011.

One of my favorite books to read to my son when he was a baby was Dr. Seuss, “My Many Colored Days.” It’s a simple book that looks at colors and moods. Our copy didn’t survive three children; it was well loved and worn.

The pages that struck me the most where these: “Grey day, I look, but nothing moves today.” It had a grey owl. Amidst all these vibrant colors– there was a grey day.

I’ve had many “grey” days lately as I’ve struggled with depression and just the chronic nature of my life circumstances. Winter doesn’t help either does it? Without the sun shining much, many days truly are grey.

But as much as we like color, don’t we often wish that life were more black and white? We can read Scripture and find some clear indications on how we should live. .. but then there are the grey areas where Scripture is not so clear and doesn’t speak to an issue.

Should we move to this house?

Should we accept this job offer?

Do we continue that relationship with a toxic person?

Which diet or exercise plan do we embark on?

Should we go on an anti-depressant or gut it out?

Is this the best church for our family to attend?

How about this: Do I have grounds for divorce? How far do we have to submit to our husbands? How do we love someone who is abusive to us? Where is the line between healthy boundaries and sacrificial living? Do we have free-will or is everything for-ordained?

Grey. Cloudy. Oft-debated issues. Dr. Seuss took into account having “mixed up days” as well. . . but it was okay, because we all go back to being ourselves in the end.

But grey is a horse of a different color, isn’t it? There’s nothing definitive there. We might find some guidelines, but ultimately even prevailing wisdom isn’t always what God is calling us to.

Missionaries who sell all they have to move to a foreign land and live off sometimes unstable donations of their supporters. Wise? Only in God’s economy.

The wife who stays in a loveless marriage with a recalcitrant spouse who neglects her and doesn’t provide well. Wise? Maybe, in God’s economy.

The woman who serves and serves and serves and rarely ever takes. Is she being used and unable to say ‘no” or is she fulfilling God’s calling in her life?

Do you struggle with the grey areas? I do. Sometimes I want the line drawn more clearly, yet God calls us to lean into Him during the grey, and listen and heed HIS voice above even worldly wisdom. And then obey. Someday He will make it all clear.

Where is your grey area? Where do you struggle to hear God in the grey? Just know – He IS there with you.

Courage: Word of the Year

This was originally posted on another blog January 2011.

A month ago I wrote about accidental living and having a mission and a vision for your life. I also mentioned a “word of the year.”

Courage. Don't be afraid. trust god
outside comfort zone

I’ve not posted for a few weeks because I was finishing up my book, to submit to a contest, and so I can renew my pursuit of a literary agent. I finished it and am deeply grateful for the help of my amazing editors who spend time and energy into making me a better writer.

I was also pondering my “word for the year” and it is COURAGE. Yup. Someone said that was a dangerous word because God would give me more reasons to have courage. Maybe so. Kind of like praying for patience–be careful what you pray for, right?

I already knew that going into this year I was going to have to face down some of those deep fears that could potentially keep me from my desire to be published. See, it’s one thing to sit alone and write a book and maybe show it to a few people and get some good feedback because they actually like me to begin with. It’s entirely another thing to put it out there where ANYONE could read it. It’s another to consider the other aspects of marketing a book that would put ME out there as well.

Those who know me understand that I have no problem talking. I love to talk. I love to teach. But I have deep set insecurities (just like so many of us) that would keep me from possibly speaking out on THIS topic especially. There is fear of exposure. Fear of being told I’m doing my marriage wrong or that I’m a failure.

Ah, the vagaries of being human.

I also need courage as a mom and wife. When I want to run and hide from the challenges I face, I need to have courage to stand up and make the decisions that might make my son angry. Then I have to face that rage. I don’t like rage. Or maybe I have to face my husband’s verbal or emotional abuse if I challenge him on something and he dislikes it.

Courage. Strong word for a weak person who simply wants to walk in a way that would honor my God. But in Psalm 31:24, it says: “Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the LORD” (NASB). Courage. It doesn’t mean I won’t be afraid. It will simply mean that when the choice comes, I can stand firm in who God made me in Christ Jesus, and do what He is calling me to do, even if it takes me out of my comfort zone. Like Daniel in the lion’s den, I need to simply move forward in the face of my fear and in confidence in Christ, whether I feel like it or not. And then trust Him with the results.

I am grateful that God does not leave me to do this on my own. I’m grateful for the power of His Holy Spirit within me to enable me. I’m grateful for the people He has placed along the way to encourage and pray when those moments come.

So my word for the year is courage. If you were to select a word for this year for yourself, what would it be?

I Still Believe in Romance

Originally published August 2012.

Sometimes I want to curse the fantasy of romance and happily-ever-after. Starry-eyed brides and flowers and first kisses and passionate sex between a husband and wife.

Is this stuff for real?

It’s not my reality. I wanted to be cherished and loved but my family of origin (FOO) led me to believe that no one would ever love me (guess that included them?) and that I was unworthy of such affection and care.

Don’t feel too sorry for me. I’m not stating that for pity.

When I was fifteen, after years of yearning for God and wondering if I should become a nun so I could pursue that elusive deity (I was Catholic then), I found out that Jesus wanted a personal relationship with me. ME? The girl who was too heavy, wore glasses and whose hair was uncontrollably curly. The ugly one? The one boys only wanted as a “friend” but never to date? The one no-one would love?

Yup. Me. Jesus wanted a relationship with me – because HE loved me.

He may not open car doors or take me to dinner –but he opened up the door to heaven and intimacy with the Almighty Holy God.

The God who created a universe and makes flowers bloom. To show His beauty. To show His love – to me.

Me?

I still ended up getting the short end of the stick when it came to a human relationship with a man. I thought I was getting a godly man but I was deceived by accepting some of the behaviors that were “normal” in my FOO. Like insults and withholding love and emotional, financial and verbal abuse. I didn’t know it could be different or that I deserved better.

I know others who have good marriages. Love. A husband who pursues God and seeks to try to love their wives and serve them. It makes me want to cry. Cry because of the beauty of that kind of love. Cry because I don’t have that. Cry because my heart still so longs to be the recipient of a man’s adoration, affection, encouragement and partnership in this life. Cry because my successes get shared with friends who cannot be there daily. Cry because what I have is not what I was created for.

Men, if you read this, realize that for a woman like me, looks are not everything. A man who has a heart for God is far more attractive than the buffest model. A man of godly character who treats a woman right – is worth gold.

At times I’ve blamed God my lack of human, romantic love. Yet I made choices, the best I could at the time. God has always been there, faithful and loving me through my good and bad days and somehow still uses me for HIS glory and plan here on earth.

I try to be brutally honest with you about my struggle so you can find someone who understands and “gets” how hard it is to be in a difficult marriage. To maybe be abused, lonely and wanting more. So much more. But denied that reality in the human realm.

I also write inspirational romances because I still believe it exists and the only way I can experience that – is through my characters as they struggle and overcome their challenges by the grace of God. And find love.

I’ve not come to that kind of ending but someday I will. I will have eternity with Jesus. He did lay His life down for me. He inscribed me on the palm of his hand – better than a tattoo with my name somewhere on a man’s body! He woos me gently and never condemns me. He gives me flowers. He gave me children (a mixed blessing some days!).

I’ve gone through times where I could not read romances because I felt so bad with longing for what I couldn’t have. Now I find comfort in them knowing that God is the lover of my soul.

How about you? Do you still believe in romance?

No Gift?

I originally wrote this in December of 2010 and posted it in another blog then.

I’ve been feeling a bit blue this Christmas. Financially things are worse than ever. My marriage isn’t good and I’m just feeling depressed about the fact that my difficult challenges in my marriage, are unlikely to change any time soon.

I also know that while there are gifts under the tree for my kids, and even something for my husband, there is nothing for me. Nada. And as I didn’t get anything for my birthday or anniversary from my husband, I doubt there will be anything under the tree with my name on it.

Waaah. Big baby, aren’t I? I love to give gifts and yes, I do enjoy receiving at least SOME token that someone thought of me. Not to be. So kick me in the behind for having a pity party.

Because this isn’t my birthday anyway. This is the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. A holy day set aside to remember that the Creator of the Universe deigned to come down in human flesh and endure life on this planet, to safe ungrateful, rude, sinful, selfish, human beings.

Like me.

So instead of moaning about what I won’t get for Christmas, or that I couldn’t enjoy buying and wrapping gifts for people who have blessed me this year. . . I need to think differently. What instead do I have to offer the God who has sacrificially suffered, died and then rose again, simply to have a relationship with me?

My heart is really all I have. I can do a million things for Jesus but not have them mean anything if my heart is not fully devoted to Him.

How do I do that? By spending time with Him. By giving Him all of who I am, my thoughts, my dreams, my desires. Laying that at His feet to do with as He wills. He is my sovereign King.

So this Christmas, I will not be sleeping in. I will be spending time in the quiet, in the solitude, to simply be. Be with the One who loves me more than any human on earth.

And in so doing, I will find my greatest treasure and joy.

Blessed Inconvenience

This was originally posted on another blog December 2010

I’ve had a few days this past week where my daughter was home sick from school. I don’t work a “regular” job so I was home with her. Normally I am gone during the day so I thought this would be a great time to do those things that always need to be done: dishes, laundry, sweeping the floor. . .

I tried. Then my husband said, “I think you should sit with your daughter and read to her.”

Big beautiful grey eyes peered up at me with hope. So I set aside the dishcloths and closed my laptop and sat down to snuggle with my daughter. And read out loud to her. A lot.

My preference would have been to be on my computer, writing. Or doing social networking, or reading an adult book “in my head.” Or at least accomplishing chores.

But then I seriously had to take myself in hand and set all of that aside to simply be with a little girl who wanted her Mommy for more than just some pain relief or to help her plug in a video. In the three days she was sick, my little girl did not want to be on-line or watching anything electronic. She simply wanted to be – with me.

I thought I had killed off the energizer bunny years ago when Hashimoto’s disease claimed my energy and ability to do things. I thought I had put to death my need to accomplish something to feel good about myself.

No. It might have gotten shoved under the bed with my winter boots – but it came out of hiding this week.

I hate to say this. I am an author. I love to write books. I love to read books. I desire for my children to love to read books. In our home, books are to be treated with respect and honor (not left on the floor). They are treasures. Here’s the confession: I do not like to read out loud.

Why? I don’t know! I start to yawn. I get tired. I can do it. I can give voices to the characters and make a story fun. I used to do this for forensics in high school and I was good at it! I would win awards for it.

So I’m struggling with guilt inside because it takes supreme effort for me to set aside other things for that which is more important, a precious little girl that God has given to me to raise and love. And read.

My daughter adores me. She loves to snuggle and be kissed and tells me over and over and over “I love you” and she loves to hear it too. She’s a pretty independent little miss at six years of age now. So why was it hard to set aside my chores, or simply what I enjoy, to meet her deepest need to simply be with me and a book?

My mom read to me as a kid. I don’t remember that, but I’ve been told that was why I was such an early – and prolific – talker. What I remember of my experience as a child though was that as more kids came along, my mom did not have time for me. I was an inconvenience. At some level I fight against the inclination to act the way I remember most of my childhood as being. An inconvenience.

I don’t ever want my little girl to feel like she is less than important to me. Yes, there will be times when other things simply need to be done. But overall, my central goal as a mom, is to be there, to help her grow and be confident in who God has made her to be. How else can that happen but by spending time with her? Talking with her. Snuggling her when she is sick and yes – reading books to her for hours.

My little girl is feeling better and is back in school – and still, I struggle inside with these ugly truths. I am far from the mother I want to be. I know I am the best mother for my little girl. God has gifted her to me. Yet confronting my family of origin yuck and my own sinful and selfish behaviors leave me feeling less than adequate for the task.

I’m too responsible sometimes, and need to lighten up and simply relax and play. The blogs will get written. The book will eventually get done. My greatest work however lies in the heart and soul of three children God has given to me. Not just to meet their physical needs for food, shelter and safety – but for unconditional love as well, which is sometimes best shown in: time, touch, and the reading of a good book.

Praying you can slow down during these holidays and treasure those moments with those you love as well.

Accidental Living

This was originally posted in another blog on December 2010

I’ve had a few car accidents in my day and in every one I’ve suffered whiplash. Other than the one that was my fault, they were unpreventable. The fact is, you can drive as carefully as possible, obey every rule of the road, and still end up an accident, because, well, they are accidents. In many of them, I was a victim.

But how many of us follow any kind of rule for life? We go about our days, we do what we need to do and react to people and events around us. Sometimes those things are not preventable: cancer, death, losing a job. Being a victim through all of life however doesn’t get us very far, does it?

Many companies have a mission and vision and goals. They use these things to evaluate where they invest time, money and resources (i.e. people). This can help a company be focused and hopefully, successful.

It hit me a few months back that I was not being proactive about my life. I was kind of reacting and not really getting anywhere. Now, I’m not a January 1, New Year’s Resolution kind of gal. This past year I did choose a word for my year: Change. I had anticipated some major life events. Some happened (I lost thirty pounds and kept it off all year!), and others didn’t (we were supposed to move but didn’t and lost the house we had an offer on).

I had sat down to refocus my ministry goals and re-wrote all of them and really liked how they gave us direction and a sense of greater purpose. Then it hit me: why not do that with my own life? I wrote up a passion statement – a one or two sentences that describe the core of who I am. Then I followed it up with what I intended to do to live that out, each item having specific goals. I put this at the front of my journal so I could refer to it often.

So when opportunities come, I can evaluate them in terms of this passion and purpose statement. (mission and vision seems a bit odd for a personal thing). If I am going to commit to something, does that fit with my own stated purposes? If not, is it worth doing? For instance, I could be working on a novel right now, but my heart’s passion for ministry calls me to do the harder work of writing my non-fiction book and pursuing that with a bit more focus. The fiction will get its turn, but the non-fiction is more in line with my passion and purpose.

You don’t have to wait until January 1^st to re-evaluate your life and put it on a more focused track. Being a victim of life will leave you stuck at the at the starting gate. Can I suggest you pray about this and then put pen to paper and give it a try? When you are done, share it with a safe person – and then follow it as your road map into the future. If you sometimes feel like a victim of accidental circumstances, this can be the airbag and safety belt that keeps you from totally crashing and you may even feel empowered to reach higher than you thought possible for the dreams God has placed in your heart.

The dreams I have now are different than they were a few years ago because I’ve grown and changed and become aware of new strengths and a more refined calling of God in my life. New Year’s Resolution? Bah Humbug! Resolute and Intentional Living? Now that I can cheer for.

Treasures

This was originally posted December 2010 in another blog.

The holiday season is officially upon us. Some have engaged in the madness of Black Friday and others have engaged in a flurry of decorating and baking. The pressure to get out cards and buy gifts and attend every concert can be a bit overwhelming.

I have the addition of a child with a birthday this month too, and I don’t want her day of celebration to get lost in the rush to Christmas. After all – her birth is special to me and the fact that God allowed her to live through a medical crisis after birth, makes the gift of my daughter even more precious.

So, I have to learn to say “no”. I’ve done this in previous years as well. The world will not stop if I fail to go to my mother’s Christmas concert. The musical being put on in town looks delightful, but one more night away from home will not necessarily fill my cup. Yes, I do have some commitments and I am delighted to be able to serve and use my gifts, but I’m trying to be very careful about that. I want moments where we are simply home. To play Uno, or Jenga or maybe watch “Charlie Brown Christmas,” with my kids. They have already given thumbs down to my favorite, “White Christmas” so I might not get my Danny Kaye fix this year.

I have little money, energy or time to simply be home and ‘create”. I used to always make our Christmas cards. Not doing it this year. Sorry, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like you. Honest. Supplies, time and stress? Not going there. I would have had that done before Thanksgiving if I were going to do it anyway. You and I will both live as I know a card from me will not make your Christmas any richer.

The economy is hard and many are cutting back. Can you do that and be okay with it? To realize that relationships are more important than things? I’m not saying I don’t like presents, I do! However, I am finding as I grow older, that there is something precious in time spent with a friend. Or writing a note to someone to express how I feel about them. Those kinds of things build into people and the impact of that can go on beyond a mere box wrapped in shiny paper and a bow. So I want to challenge you – in the next few short weeks – how can you rest and reflect more on Christ’s birth? How can you find time to simply enjoy holy moments with God – and with others?

Consider Mary’s response to the marvelous and confusing events surrounding Jesus’s birth: But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. (Luk 2:19 ESV)

Treasures need to be sought after and cherished. I love the quiet of early mornings while the house is still asleep – the lights of the Christmas tree and peace. I need to make these moments count and not get distracted with other things. In the midst of the challenges and disappointment of life, my prayer is that you will find moments during this advent season to treasure Christ.

Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift! (2Co 9:15 ESV)

A Faithful God

This was originally published in November 2010.

While I know that Thanksgiving is a great time to meditate on all God has done that we should be grateful for, I am seeking to find daily more and more ways to recognize and live in the light of His faithfulness to me.

There are a multitude of attributes that we can seek to praise and worship God for. One of the ones that seems core for me and foundational in my relationship with Him, is His faithfulness. It’s funny to me with years of singing, that when my son was born, the only song that I could remember in the middle of the night was “Great is Thy Faithfulness.”

Maybe it’s important to me because others around me have not been faithful to meet my emotional or even my physical needs. Yet God has repeatedly, through the years of my walking with Him, provided in amazing ways.

I am not always fond of His timing, like when it comes to checks arriving (or not) in the mail. It is humbling to admit that sometimes my emotions fluctuate with my bank balance. However, God doesn’t want my security to be in finances. As He continually leads and affirms my step into the world of writing, I am blown away by the words of affirmation He brings to me out of the blue. It is humbling to admit how easily discouraged I can be and how quickly the enemy can try to convince me that I have nothing worthwhile to bring to you, the reader. It’s only words and not very good ones at that, he will tell me. Then someone will post a comment on a blog or my fan page or in an email that tells me that what I am doing IS making a difference – to them. Or when loneliness overwhelms, and a friend calls or I get one of those priceless letters in the mail filled with affirmation. Or someone gives me a hug at church or thanks me for ministering to them when I didn’t even realize I had been doing.

This week something happened that surprised me. This fall I got a free tickets to three different events/conferences and somehow the money appeared for me to go. My wi/fi on my laptop was repaired I won a contest through facebook that blew me away with the extravagance of God – toward me. Totally unnecessary – but the very fact that it was so out of the ordinary, reminded me again of God’s faithfulness.

I remember years ago studying the book of Ephesians at church. I have written in my Bible, at the beginning of that book that the word charis means “extravagant grace love.” It appears repeatedly throughout this book of the Bible. Okay, but I thought we were talking about faithfulness here? Stick with me.

For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you , remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might (Eph 1:15-19)

The word “grace” doesn’t appear in these verses – but can you hear it? What can be more faithful than a God would give us knowledge of Himself? To be honest, this verse is truncated. There is more before and after and I would encourage you to read the entire chapter and ask yourself – how does this tell me God loves me and is faithful to me?

Faithfulness is an expression of God’s extravagant grace love. I am not always faithful. I can be self absorbed, angry, and at times doubt that God can and will come through for me. Then I consider how God has saved me from my sin and how Christ has walked with me through so much throughout the years, and continues to do so even now. When I see that God has sustained me and even been able to use me to serve Himself and minister to others, I’m blown away by His faithfulness to one such as I. Extravagant grace love is shown with every unexpected gift, every word of affirmation, every day I find that I am alive and able to get up and care for my family.

I want to offer you today a taste of God’s faithfulness. If you go back and read that verse, imagine me praying this over you (because I have done so!). Where the “you” is bolded, insert your name. I may not know your name – but God does. It’s a part of His faithfulness that He can transcend the computer technology and take this prayer from His word, and my heart – and birth extravagant grace love in your life.

Great is Your faithfulness, Oh God my Father!

There is no shadow of turning with You,

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not,

Great is Your faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Glory Baby

This was originally posted elsewhere in October of 2010

Seven years ago I was newly pregnant and excited that we would have our third child. Maybe a girl this time? I was leading a ministry to women and it had been a tough few months with the team. I decided not to tell them about the baby until the December meeting when we made those kinds of announcements. What a fun surprise!

The Monday before Thanksgiving I started to spot. We packed up the kiddos and ran into the doctor’s office. A good friend watched my boys. I had an ultrasound right away and we found out that we had lost the baby. Eight weeks and this child was gone. A blighted ovum they called it.

No. It as a person from the moment of conception.

We had no insurance and decided to wait for my body to ‘deliver’ naturally. It took four weeks. Four weeks of knowing I carried within me the death of a child and all the dreams that die with it. Only a handful of people even knew I was pregnant. How do you tell people you have miscarried when they didn’t even know you were expecting?

I finally told my gals on the team through an article in our newsletter for our meetings. Cowardly? Maybe. Heading into our final Christmas meeting I got a disturbing call from my church. We were to reschedule the meeting. Seriously? Find a new place in five days to move 40 women and about 80 kids? Impossible. I ended up on the phone with my pastor. I respect him greatly and on that day I let loose. All the grief and sorrow of this baby combined with the holidays and stress of a difficult season in leadership and now this? I let him have it and then quickly apologized. Then I shared that we had lost a baby and hormones and grief might be amplifying my anger.

We worked things out for that meeting to everyone’s satisfaction. It was a tough meeting with great strains and heavy demands on me personally. One perceptive woman came up to me and asked me if I was okay. Bless her heart. I shared about the miscarriage. Seven years later I still remember her kindness to me. She sent me a huge bouquet of flowers. Extravagantly beautiful lilies with bright colors. Not the kind of flowers you find in Wisconsin in December.

Every day I looked at those flowers in my kitchen and felt God’s extravagant love – to me.

I was scolded by some for not sharing my pain. “How dare you not tell me you lost your baby!” Really? This was a team member who had not made the last few months easy. I then called a friend who I knew had miscarried to whine. “Am I wrong to expect some compassion from people?” Her response: “Yes, you are.” Needless to say I never called her again for support in my grief process.

Still there were the flowers. As I reflect back on seven years ago and all the grief and pain and loss and the lack of support from so many people, even my husband. (“It wasn’t really a baby,” was his comment. He’s lucky he’s still alive today himself.) I try to focus instead on the flowers. One person, who barely knew me, extended such amazing love to me in my time of grief. I think I’m going to send her a note today to thank her again.

It’s a reminder to us all. Sometimes it is simply a kind word. Or a letter. Or maybe flowers to someone you hardly know, that might make all the difference in someone’s pain and grief and the trials and struggles in life, even years later. In this day and age we often forget the power of those simple expressions of care.

My baby is in heaven. We call it our “Glory Baby.” He or she is safe in the arms of Jesus. Free from a sinful world that reared its ugly head in my time of loss. Yet God still shone through in the understanding of my pastor when I melted down (we still work together and it’s great!), and in my memory of that one woman who I have not seen in years, who loved me right where I was at.

My heart goes out to any of you who are remembering lost loved ones during this holiday season. May you have good memories and even if you have tears, may you experience the love and kindness of God in amazing ways.

Broken Promises

Originally posted July 2012.

We get married and promise to love and honor and cherish. A man promises to provide and take care of his wife. To love her as Christ loves the church.

For many of us, that is not our reality.

Now to be sure, we fail as well as wives. We have our sinful tendencies and it is hard to humble oneself to apologize to a spouse who may use that against you in the future. At least that’s the way it is for me. But I apologize anyway.

Some have said I have a reason to divorce because of the broken marriage covenant. My spouse has abandoned the marriage bed (years ago) and treats me with derision and contempt and is financially and emotionally abusive (after 21 years of marriage he knows exactly where to strike).

And just when I think I’m doing well, satan will use my spouse to try to derail me from the ministry that God has called me to in the midst of my difficult circumstances.

See, my husband has broken the marriage covenant but that doesn’t necessitate divorce. I joked with one dear friend of mine that I was sold a false bill of goods on my wedding day and why isn’t there a lemon law for husbands? He led me to believe he would love, provide and care for me. But he has refused to do so.

Broken promises often negate a contract. But marriage is a covenant. And God shows in His word that many times when He has covenanted with his people – they have broken their end of the agreement. God has stayed faithful. Sometimes there have been consequences – but He has never abandoned the people He has called to Himself.

By extraction, as His child, He will never abandon me. That’s one of His promises. He will provide for me. And He has. He will be good even when I cannot see it or I feel pain. He never promises wealth or a life free of suffering. He promises to be with us always.

My spouse may not keep his promises but I am, with Christ’s help, trying to keep mine. I will treat him respect even when he as failed to earn that. He is an image bearer of God and for that alone He deserves to be treated with respect. And I want to model that for my kids. “Love your enemies” is hard when that “enemy” lives in your home.

I do all of this to honor Christ and HE has sustained me! He has provided. He has been faithful to His promises to me. He loves and cherishes me in ways my husband is unable or unwilling to do. I can entrust Him with the future of my marriage. He has blessed me with church leadership and dear safe friends to encourage me on the path as well. I often need Jesus with skin on – and just at that moment He has been there providing that.

Can you trust God to keep His promises to you? Will your life give testimony to that as you lean on Him in your struggles? I hope so!

Money, Money, Money

First posted July 2012.

About two years ago or so, I visited a local non-profit agency in my town that helps people who are abused or disadvantaged. I presented my marriage situation to the young lady who simply said: “There’s nothing we can do to help you with financial abuse unless you divorce.”

Ouch.

Nothing to be done. Unless I divorce.

She explained that then they can garnish wages and he owes me money for suspending my career to raise our three children. I divorce and he has to support me via court order and my life will be better.

How many more lies do I need to hear?

My husband is self-employed. He can hide money in trusts. He can bankrupt himself. They could never garnish his wages. He’s wily and controlling. We didn’t own a home and had no assets or savings.

There will never be a “happily ever after” as long as he is in the picture (barring a miracle from God) – and divorce does not remove him from my life or that of my children.

And he is still their father. For better or for worse.

Most of the attention regarding abuse is on the physical. I have people tell me that verbal abuse is even worse. You heal from bruises but words stick deep inside your heart and continue to do damage. I’m not denying the truth of any of that. Emotional abuse is twisted and can make you feel unwanted and crazy (yeah, like none of the rest does?). In the end it’s all emotional abuse and control. But financial or economic abuse is a very twisted animal in its own right and not many talk about that.

So often people will say, “just leave.” As if that’s the easiest thing in the world.

I want to honor God. I want to honor my vows even if my spouse is unworthy of that kind of commitment. Is that a bad thing?

No. It’s not.

Is it an easy thing?

No. It’s not.

But let me tell you what I have learned even through the ups and downs of our financial picture and my husband’s irresponsible financial choices – which of course he blames me for (since I insist on having gas for the car and food and clothing for the kids).

God has been faithful. HE is my provider. I’ll be honest. I get panic attacks when I look at my bank balance. I am afraid whenever I have to ask for money from my spouse because it is never given to me cheerfully or in love – but always with blame and accusation.

I don’t know what your situation is.

Just know – you are not alone and God sees it all. There have been days I called a trusted friend and said “Remind me again that God is faithful.” And she does that because I need to hear it and be reminded once again that the God of the Bible is THE one in whom I can place my trust. HE is my hope and my salvation and He will sustain and lead me in the path I should take.

Once I emailed someone in pain and asked for the reminder of God’s faithfulness and was told I lacked faith. I have faith but sometimes I doubt. It is human to do so. We don’t need to beat ourselves up when we need the assurance of the truth of Scripture.

Someday I may have to force a separation, but I want to do that from a position of strength, not weakness. God has yet to open the door for that financial independence from my husband. But I’m more at peace now in the waiting. More hopeful and trusting in HIM, because of what I have had to endure that has forced me to lean on him and not my spouse.

So let me remind you. God is faithful. He sees your pain and struggle. You can trust in Him.

Procovery

Originally published April 2012.

As life deals us those brutal blows and we struggle with the reality of here and now, it’s tempting to long for what we used to have, whether it be health, a happy home, that lost loved one. But sometimes our “plan A” is just not ever going to be reality. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

Many years ago I attended a conference on mental health and heard Kathleen Crowley tell her story. As a result of a medical mishap, she was forced to live with permanent intense pain. Pain medication made her mentally unstable. But medication for depression intensified her pain. She ended up in a mental ward at the hospital and she writes about her experience in a book called The Day Room.

Out of her tragic story (she still experiences intense pain) she developed a concept called procovery. It’s not even a “plan B” for life. Instead of seeking to get back to prior health (physical or mental), she purports that we need to come to a new concept of recovery. That where we are now IS where we are supposed to be and to live successfully within that.

This is difficult. Does that mean we give in and simply state that “this is who I am and it’s not going to change?” How does one do that in the face of health challenges. Is it every totally hopeless that you can recover what you lost? When do we give up and give in?

I’ve been struggling with this as I fight my own health battles. My chiropractor was telling me “This may just be the way you ARE, and you may need to live with that.” When it comes to weight loss, or chronic back issues or depression – is there every really a point where you just give in and accept instead of frustratingly fight?

How does one live in the reality of “this may be all the better it may get” and yet the hope that God in His infinite mercy could possibly change things – if HE chose?

Michael J Fox tries all kinds of treatments to halt the progression of Parkinson’s. I’m not saying that’s bad, but to what point will he accept that this disease will eventually win the battle? Christopher Reeve did all kinds of therapy to help him regain the use of his body, paralyzed due to a fall from horseback. In the end pneumonia claimed his life.

Sometimes I wonder if our modern day treatments and our western mentality that wants what we want and we want it NOW raises the standard too high for our expectations that lives can be saved and improved with the miracle of modern medicine. We rail against God when we don’t get the answer WE want. This wasn’t as big of an issue 100 yrs ago when the reality of death, while hard, was more easily accepted as a natural part of life. Life is terminal.

What do we lose when we put all our energies into our recovery instead of seeking what God wants to teach us in the midst of our pain?

Mentally I’m not a peace with living forever with my various health challenges. I struggle to find contentment in the present while at the same time doing what is good and healthy that could hopefully turn things around. Because of this cognitive dissonance, I often sabotage my efforts in the latter category. I want to lose weight – but then I eat too much. I work out but don’t know to what degree that triggers the inflammation issues of my Hashimoto’s disease and will backfire causing me to gain weight rather than lose it.

On the flip side, I have a broken marriage. I’m still with my husband. But I’ve emotionally given up hope of restoration of the marriage relationship. Have I then given up on the fact that God COULD do that? I beat myself up for my lack of faith and giving in to reality.

Procovery is a good goal – but it’s a hard one. Hard because if we believe in Jesus Christ and that God is sovereign over it all, we don’t know when He may choose to act to change things. IF we want it to be His will, then we have to stop praying for healing, and simply start seeking His face and trusting Him for today and focus more on glorifying Him in THIS moment – rather than focusing on our own future dream.

I sure wish I was better at this. Do you struggle as well? May you find God to be faithful to you in the process.

My Deepest Need

Originally published March 2012.

We have an enemy and too often I forget that he coils like a snake, poised to strike when I least expect it.

And then the bite comes.

Always to my most vulnerable areas.

I need affirmation. The attack will come on my worth and my abilities to do what God has called me to do.

I need love. The attacks come in that being withheld and and venemous words are spewed forth that mean anything but love – only disrespect and disdain instead.

I need security. The attacks come in threats against my ability to stay in a house I love, or buy food we need, or take care of medical expenses that come up.

Why does this hurt so much? Because in my humanness I want these things from a man. I want these things from a husband. I want to know I’m loved and cherished and that somehow I will be provided for and that the things I do matter. Even when I sometimes fail or have a bad day.

This is not my reality.

Sometimes I look for this elsewhere. Friends? But they all have their own needs too. And their responsibility is not as great as that of a person who has made promises before God and others.

How about those I minister with? Again, sometimes the strikes come from there as well. Friendly fire which sometimes comes as an arrow aimed to hurt but masked in pious language.

Chocolate? Oh, wait. That doesn’t quite work either.

So what’s a girl to do?

Cry.

Pray.

Seek to reorient myself to the One who made me, died for my sins and is ultimately responsible for my every breath. Ultimately I need to depend on Him. Why is this so hard?

David lamented as he hid in caves hunted by King Saul, separated from his wife and home and responsible for the care, safety and feeding of the men who were with him.

Similar to me shepherding my children while under attack.

But David, even though he was in sorrow and grief and wondering was able to comfort himself with the truth that God stored all his prayers in a bottle. Every tear we cry is precious to our Heavenly Father. And then, in Psalm 56:9b he says: “This I know: God is for me.”

For me. God is FOR me. Not against me like human sometimes are. He is FOR you too.

Love, security and affirmation. The holy, almighty, sovereign, eternal God of the universe – is FOR me. He treasures my tears, how much more my life and basic needs?

Life is not going to get easier. But if I can rest in the truth that a good and great God is FOR me, maybe I can make it through the day clinging to Him and not lamenting how those needs are not met elsewhere. And trust Him for my next breath as well as where I will live and how I will feed my children in the months to come.

He has always been faithful. Always. I have no need to doubt that now.

So I will cry.

I will pray.

I will cling to Him.

How about you? What are your deepest needs? Can you find your fulfillment of them in Jesus? If not, what’s keeping you from that?

Three Weddings and No Funeral

Originally published August 2011.

Yes, I know , the movie staring Hugh Grant was actually FOUR Weddings and a Funeral. But this isn’t about Hugh Grant, even though he is cute and has a lovely accent and is fun to watch in the movies. My life has not been quite so comedic although I did plan three weddings.

Today I woke up unsettled as I kept feeling like today was supposed to have some meaning to me. Like it was important somehow. I checked my calendar. Nothing written down. No birthday or anniversary or anything even really scheduled. As I sat spending time in God’s Word and praying and journaling and reading some other great authors on faith – it hit me.

Today is the day I had originally scheduled my first wedding. I felt grief and sorrow hit me in the gut. See, I ended up marrying that man a few years later after much heartache. I look back on that young 19-year-old girl and see now that the patterns for abuse that I experience today –were already germinating back then. They were even set in place long before I met this man I would eventually marry. I despise how desperately needy I was for love that I didn’t see it and felt I didn’t deserve any better.

And I despise the fact that the enemy keeps telling me those lies even now.

The engagement took place on Valentine’s Day, and the wedding planned for August. Why wait? Except that the big surprise was that my fiancé, the one who surprisingly proposed to me, ended up calling it off. I was heartbroken. He of course blamed me, saying I was forcing him to marry me. Really? I don’t remember holding a gun to his head to propose. But my undervaluing of my personhood by my biological family only affirmed that yes, I was not worthy to marry this man (or any man for that matter – who would ever want me?). I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough and obviously, according to this man, I was too controlling.

Hindsight makes me want to weep at how wrong my fragile young heart was.

We did get engaged again, and I called off that one on the day of the wedding. We eventually did marry a few years later after much more abuse I was too ashamed to admit to because after all, I was a Christian. I was so used to taking the blame for the negative things that happened to me. I felt the weight of someone else’s sin as if it were my own and shame prevented me from speaking about it.

So I planned three weddings, went through with one, all to the same man. I’ve stayed married to him through better and worse. Mostly worse. I keep seeking God’s wisdom and truth about who I am in the midst of my challenging circumstances. And I pray for rescue.

See, I believe if God wants me out of my marriage He can do it. I don’t pray for my husband’s death, but I have thought about what life would be like when that happens. Practical things like liquidating his business and frivolous things like finally buying the bed that would be best for MY back. God could also bring my husband to divorce me, and I would consider him as an unbeliever and let him go. God could also decide to change things in my marriage as well.

So far there’s been no funeral.

Does that mean I should never consider legal separation? I don’t have biblical grounds (in the truest sense) to justify divorce. My husband, I believe, is mentally ill. I married for “in sickness and in health.” He won’t get treatment and is blind to his foolish ways and won’t seek wise counsel. I pray for God’s leading and guiding.

It is hard not to long for escape. Today I grieve a young woman who did the best she could in her circumstances 26 years ago. I weep for her vulnerable heart and I grieve for the loss of many dreams – primarily of being loved and cherished by my husband. I have to believe my “happily ever after” ultimately is with Jesus and my lack in this life and marriage forces me to depend on Him in a deeper way than I probably would have otherwise.

Do I sound foolish to you? Many would say “Leave” but it really is not so easy. However I am praying a different prayer now. Not just one of “rescue” or for a job or some other way to survive. I’m praying that for the sake of the glory of God and His name and power shown through my life, that He will break the bonds of control that are currently holding me captive. Not just that I would endure them with grace, or that I would try to break them on my own (realistically, it would not happen even with a divorce or separation, no matter what a lawyer might tell me). My heart has to listen to my God and that can be a difficult voice to hear amongst the negativity, grief and old message tapes that tell me I am unworthy of the love and devotion of a godly man.

In reality I have the love and devotion of a godly man already. His name is Jesus. And maybe, just maybe, if I were not struggling in the way that I am, I would not be as driven to seek my value, worth and love from my Creator King who also says:

“For your husband is your Maker. His name is Yaweh of Hosts – and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer. He is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like wife of youth when she is cast off.” (Isaiah 54:5-6)

I am loved and cherished and worthy of that from the One who made me and will use me for His glory, in spite of my pain and suffering. If God can be glorified in me today, then I will be grateful that I was found usable by Him. I may not see the impact. I have to trust the outcome to Him and cling to my Husband and trust Him for everything else. He’s my God. He can do it.

Pigs and Pearls

From July 2011.

“Don’t give what is holy to dogs or toss your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them with their feet, turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matthew 7:6 HCSB)

I love this verse. It has been a reminder to me for many years that I need to be careful with whom I share the things in my life that are important. Let me give you an example. I used to go visit my family. I served in ministry, on staff of a small church plant. I was married, and was going to an Evangelical graduate school. I was content with the work God had given me to do. But my family didn’t believe in a life lived in whole-hearted devotion to Jesus Christ. When I would go home on holidays to share my joys I was met with criticism and rejection. I should divorce my husband (they didn’t like him, and they had some good reasons for that). I should get a ‘real” job. I should lose weight. If there were anything they could find fault with in my life, they did.

Eventually a younger, fellow counseling student that I was meeting with, brought me to this verse. I needed to stop casting my pearls before people who would only trample them. We saw God move in our church in amazing ways. It was a time of significant personal and spiritual growth for me. My family however would never be able to appreciate or celebrate those things because they were “holy treasures” to me. My “pearls.” My husband would laugh as I would go home to visit family (an hour drive) and repeat to myself: “My family are pigs. My parents are swine.”

Not very Christian, huh? I laugh now, but I was dead serious then. See, I really desired and needed their approval and acceptance as it has always been withheld. It became clear that living the life that God had called me to would never give me that kind of love and acceptance with my family. I could “want” it but not “need” it. Easier said than lived out. So I had to learn that when I went home, I did not share my heart or my dreams or my life with my family. I listened and asked questions. Over the years of doing this I have felt more and more like a foreigner visiting a land where I do not know the language. I do not feel a part of my family because they cannot accept or approve of my choices in life. Persevere in a difficult marriage? Unheard of –just get a divorce. Stay at home with children or even home school them (which I did for a few years). I should be using my Master’s degree!

Today I revisited this verse when I spent time meditating on God’s Word and I realized that the context of this verse puts a little bit of a different spin on its meaning. Jesus is giving the Sermon on the Mount and cautions about judging others without first looking at the sin in our own life. Right after that comes this verse. I sat there thinking about it, perplexed, because I struggled to figure out the connection based on the way I had been applying it in my life. Finally I grabbed “The Bible Knowledge Commentary” off my bookshelf and looked it up and on page 33 it says this:

“. . . when seeking to help another, one must exercise care to do what would be appreciated and beneficial. One should never entrust holy things (what is sacred) to unholy people or throw pearls to pigs. Dogs and pigs were despised in those days.” (Walvoord, J.F & Zuck R.B, Victor Books, Wheaton Il 1983).

Now at first glance that appears to fit my application. But I’ve been reading a chapter of Proverbs almost every day for the past seven months and there is a recurring theme regarding the wise and foolish (unholy) people of this world.

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and correction.” (Prov. 1:7)

“The one who corrects a mocker will bring dishonor on himself.” (Prov. 9:7)

“Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but one who hates correction is stupid.” (Prov 12:1)

“Don’t speak to a fool, for he will despise the insight of your words.” (Prov. 23:9)

“A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.” (Prov. 25:12)

I’m not saying that my previous application of this verse was wrong. I think that this broadens the application. Not only do we need to be careful who we share our life, our hopes, dreams and challenges with as we follow Jesus, because we do need the encouragement of support of the body of Christ. In addition to that, however, we need to be careful when we are called to give feedback or try to challenge someone, even a “supposed” Christian.

First, we need to follow Jesus’ words and make sure our own hearts are pure and that we are not doing the very same things (or worse) that we are about to confront someone about. Secondly, if we know that person well, we need to assess if they might even be receptive to hearing our heart of concern for them and their walk with God. Are they a wise person or a fool? Sometimes we don’t know until we have to try to confront, and tell the truth in love.

Let me give two examples. First a negative one. I had someone slander me in ministry. I prayed, I confessed, I sought insight from an accountability partner as to whether the very sin I was aware of in this other person might be something I myself was engaging in. God showed me an area where I had seriously erred in the relationship. So I met with this woman and began by confessing my own sin and apologizing for the words I had spoken in haste. She was receptive to that. But when I turned and pointed to the slander that she had committed to writing to another person about me, she laughed in my face. I was sad because I had liked this woman and had hoped to have her serving in our ministry. After that conversation however, I left knowing that “fool” or “unsafe” were better applied to her and that I could never entrust leadership to a woman who would so callously abuse my reputation with lies and willingly confessed to doing it to many others. The funny thing was, she claimed she wanted to support me in ministry and was blind to the fact that this in essence undermined my efforts to serve and lead. My pearls were trampled.

A more positive example. A week ago a woman from my small group called me up on the phone. She was so apologetic and said that she wondered if I had been hurt by her in some way and if there was something she needed to repent of because she had felt that on Sunday mornings I had been distant and not “warm” in my interactions with her. I sat there stunned. She had not done anything wrong. I apologized profusely for any unintentional hurt I might have caused and applauded her courage and her sweet spirit in the way she confronted me. She didn’t even mean to confront me! She thought it was her fault. Talk about a humble, gentle and sweet spirit. We had a wonderful conversation for over an hour and our relationship grew because she was wise in how and who she shared her issue with. I’m not perfect. I could have taken offense and trampled her feelings (like the previous woman had done to me). But I treasured the holy pearls that this woman brought before me and in the end, they got a little more polished from the interaction. More beautiful.

So who do you know that you can share your pearls with and who are the pigs and dogs in your life? Sometimes it’s good to know these things before troubles and conflict emerge. Not that we never confront a fool, but in doing so we go in knowing that we may be a bit bruised for the effort and trust God work in their hearts. Jesus gives us permission to be careful with who we judge and how we do it. He gives us guidance, because we do need to judge at times. But first let us be found worthy of treasuring the pearls of others instead of acting like pigs ourselves.

Dirty Underwear

First posted March 2011.

During my quiet time a few months back, I was reading through a chapter of an Old Testament book as well other portions of Scripture and found myself in Jeremiah which I hadn’t read in a long time. I found it interesting and encouraging. Especially when I got to Jeremiah 13. Then I laughed a bit before I sobered up and really dug into the truth of what God was saying to me.

Let me paraphrase some of what happens at the beginning of this chapter. God tells Jeremiah to go buy a linen loincloth (underwear), wear it and not get it wet. Then he had to take it off and bury it near a river. Later, Jeremiah was instructed to go dig it up.

This is what Jeremiah wrote: “Then I went to the Euphrates, and dug, and I took the loincloth from the place where I had hidden it. And behold, the loincloth was spoiled; it was good for nothing.” (Jer 13:7 ESV)

God then said to Jeremiah, “This evil people, who refuse to hear my words, who stubbornly follow their own heart and have gone after other gods to serve them and worship them, shall be like this loincloth, which is good for nothing.” (Jer 13:10 ESV)

I was amazed at how creative our God is in describing sin. Any parent knows first-hand the joys of “dirty underwear” or diapers. And God describes sin with that imagery (timeless truth!). When God looks at those of us who refuse to listen and obey His word, worship other things with our time and money, well, our pride is like dirty underwear to God.

Sin is like dirty underwear. Ewwwww!

I don’t want to be like dirty underwear before the Most High God! I wouldn even want anyone to suspect I might have dirty underwear that’s hidden. But this underwear that God is talking about is soiled beyond belief. There is no hiding the sin in our hearts before Him. It stinks. It reeks. It’s a colorful and yet repulsive image. I don’t like the idea of myself in my sin being on par with that kind of image. I don’t want to wear dirty underwear – physically or spiritually!

How about you?

For personal hygiene, I change my underwear every day. How much more do I need to take off the soiled underwear of my heart (confession of my sin) and exchange it at the cross for a fresh heart, forgiven and ready to move forward into a day, clean and pure in Christ.

Yes, my heart (underwear) will get dirty again. Hence the importance of daily confessing my sin to God and repenting before Him. I’m not good at this and yet here is where there is freedom and power. Jesus does the laundry, I just need to drop it in His laundry basket.

So as I continue to challenge myself in changing my “underwear” I hope you will do the same. God is ready to cleanse and wash us free of our sins and give us a fresh start every day!

Husbands and Church

From March 2011.

A friend was expressing frustration to me the other day about her husband who was not attending church. She said, “Every time he doesn’t come – that’s when he really needed to hear the message!”

I nodded my head. I understand. Totally. Then I said “Let me challenge you. Come to church and ask God to have the message be for YOU to learn and hear. Let Him deal with your husband.”

When all we do as women, is focus on the deficiencies in our men, then we have now made them our idol. Now often we think of an idol as something we worship and adore. But really, it is anything that predominates our attention and keeps us from focusing on God. That could be reading books, or watching sports or television shows or spending our time in certain activities. Even focusing solely on our fears, can make them our idol when they take our eye off the Most High God who is the only One who deserves our worship and attention. Anything that steals our focus from a life that is designed to be lived in service and worship to our King, Lord Jesus, can become an idol.

Even difficult husbands can become our idols.

So what do we do? How do we get out of that kind of obsession with our husband’s deficiencies? Basically, there are two parts to resolving this:

Pray for your husband. Pray that God will do the work that needs to be done, and leave your husband to God to fix.
Seek God with your whole heart. Not so that your husband can be changed, but so YOU can be changed. Let God meet you in your loneliness. Let Him take your hurt, and anger and resentment. Let God grow you in the image of the Lord Jesus Christ as you pursue holiness and a life devoted to Him.

That sounds simpler than it is. We are complex beings. Hormones and emotions can make it difficult. Living with someone day in and day out who doesn’t treat us as he ought (according to Scripture), is frustrating to say the least.

No one said it would be easy. Marriage is not about your happiness, it’s about reflecting God to a hurting world. Even in a marriage that is falling apart, if you choose to honor God with all that you are, you will bring honor and glory to Him, and find that your witness to the hurting and watching world around you will be even stronger because you are different, because you are faithful under adversity.

I usually attend church alone. I have to accept my husband’s choices even if I disagree with them. Those who know me best do not judge me for being solo. I do not have to carry shame when I go because I am not there to be seen and approved of, I am there to worship the King, and to serve Him. For those of you feel embarrassment over your singleness at church, please don’t. I understand firsthand the shame (which comes from our enemy) but give that to God and know that you have infinite value and worth in His eyes just for being who you are as His child.

I challenge you to chew on these things and seek God first and let Him be the husband to you that your own flesh and blood man cannot. Don’t do it to get the husband you want, do it to be the woman of God He has called you to be, and trust Him with the rest.

And in the meantime, we can pray and encourage each other on the way.

Redemption Before Healing

From March 2011

The other day, I was able to encourage a young mom whose marriage is on the verge of divorce. It is amazing how many similarities her life challenges are to my own. She’s got some tough choices ahead, and if she chooses to stay that will be challening, but it can be done and done in a way that helps her grow in her faith and as a woman and a mom.

Last week I got a chance to encourage a woman with some health issues who just wants to be healthy. Since I’ve had a little journey with natural medicine and little money, I was able to point her in the direction of some inexpensive things to try to help improver her general health before she even steps into a doctor’s office. I’m not a doctor. I’m just someone who’s got an autoimmune disease who is on a journey. . . but she felt that in some ways, that was better because I wasn’t trying to sell her anything (I don’t sell supplements or get commissions on anything I told her about).

On a recent Sunday after church, I was able to sit and listen and then pray for another woman struggling in her marriage with a spouse who is not coming to church or walking with the Lord.

Redeeming pain, God encourages others through us.

I’m not telling you this to brag about how great I am because I can help people. I’m only sharing to say this: Sometimes, even when we are in the midst of our own struggles, God can use that experience to help people just starting on that path. If we are leaning on God, and can offer hope and encouragement in the darkness and confusion of this world, God is redeeming our pain, while we are still in it, for HIS glory.

I can’t make promises to woman that their lives will be dramatically improved and they will have all their heart’s desire for their marriages or health. I cannot promise that life will get easier. I can only be honest and say that I still struggle but I’m still here, plugging along on the path God has me on, and trying to be faithful to Him with each step I take. I can also give a hug. Sometimes we need “Jesus with skin on.”

Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I need others around me to lift me up in prayer as I struggle with the challenges and my courage fails. Sometimes I need someone to remind me, once again, that God is GOOD. That He will be good to me, and that He is forever faithful to His children. Sometimes when I am called upon to share those truths with someone else who is hurting – I am also speaking to myself.

What a relief that I do not have to “arrive” to be usable by God. That bruised and broken at times by circumstances and stresses of life, God can still be seen in me, and can still use me to help others along the path. It reminds me that none of us are there yet and God designed the body of Christ to help us support each other in the battles of the world and against the enemy our soul. What a sweet privilege. My heart grieves for those that hurt like I do, but I take comfort that I am not alone in my challenges and that somehow God uses it all to further His kingdom.

How about you? In what ways have you seen God using you recently in your areas of struggle – to minister to someone else? If you haven’t seen that happen, pray and ask Him to show you those opportunities. There is great joy in being used by Him to help another struggling soul as we walk this road called “life.”

Out of Control

This was originally posted elsewhere January 2011.

I want some control in my life. The feeling that maybe, somehow, I have choices and can make a difference in the outcome of whatever circumstances I find myself in.

But so often the control I have is superficial. I can choose what outfit to wear and even what I’m going to eat and whether or not I will “cheat” on my diet. (I don’t).

I cannot chose how another person will respond to me. I cannot force someone to call me. I cannot make anyone care about my struggles. What value would that have anyway?

I am doing a diet where weight-loss is all but guaranteed. I’ve done it before and know that the weight will stay off. I consider it kind of like permanent liposuction, without the surgery. However, for some reason, my body does not let go of its fat easily. I follow the protocol to the letter and have days where the scale doesn’t move. I know I am losing inches. Things are happening that I cannot see. However much I try to control my diet, my body has its own methods that go totally beyond my ability to control.

I cannot stop breathing. I am unable to NOT think of something. Try it. Do not think of ice cream. Hmm, bet an image just popped into your head!

In reality, not much in this world is in my control. On a slick road, I can drive carefully and still might end up in an accident or in the ditch due to no fault of my own. Every breath I take is determined by God—not me. Even whether I am able to really sleep tonight, is beyond my ultimate control. I’ve even been awake with meds designed to aid sleep!

I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes with not having control. That is, until I relax and realize that another more positive word for that is surrender, or dependence. That would be scary if I didn’t know WHO I was surrendered to or dependant upon. I put my faith in Jesus Christ. He put the stars in the sky. He calms the oceans. He knows how many fat cells are dying day by day in my body. He gives me my next breath, and my ability to think, communicate, and blog!

So maybe not always being in control is an okay thing, when I relax into the arms of the One who has my sometimes seemingly out-of-control life, in His perfectly capable and wise hands.

How about you? Can you relax with the areas you cannot control and trust Jesus to be with you there?

Dream Bigger

This is a repost from another blog, November 2010

I often ask God for things that I want or think I need. New house, new husband (hahaha!), healed son, health, financial security. The list could go on. Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly stressed my prayers simply become requests for help or rescue.

But for twenty years rescue hasn’t come.

What if my dreams and prayers are too small? Maybe a house, which could burn down, would not ultimately satisfy me. Or if my husband were Brad Pitt or better yet Gilles Marini! Still, he may not satisfy (looks ain’t everything, gals!).

Dream Bigger. Rocky Mountains near Colorado Springs, CO

What if my kids were perfect angels, obeying everything, picked up after themselves and helped around the house? Okay, wait. I cannot find anything wrong with that!

I struggle with this verse in Scripture:

“And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” (Mat 21:22 ESV)

Whatever? Really? But when? So I can ask for riches – and for my debts to be cleared away. Anything goes right? Does that mean that I can sin with abandon and ask God to clean up after me so I don’t have to face the consequences? See what I mean? It seems like there might be a limit to “whatever” even though even in the Greek it seems to mean exactly what it says. Oh, how easy to believe a false prosperity gospel based on that one verse!

Maybe the clincher is “if you have faith.” Maybe part of me doubts God’s willingness to rescue me in my difficult circumstances. That would be a sin of unbelief. Maybe my faith is misplaced in asking for things that are not in line with what God desires for me? That is probably the key. Faith means believing in what we don’t see. That God has some greater purpose and plan beyond my ability to know or understand. Even Abraham did not see the Promised Land and his descendants as innumerable as the sands on the shore or the stars in the sky. God promised and did it – but Abraham never saw it while he walked on this earth.

So maybe I simply don’t dream big enough. A house will burn or decay. My health doesn’t matter once I’m dead (and we all achieve that end at some point). Consider the “Hall of Faith” in Hebrews 11 which ends thus:

“And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect. “ (Heb 11:39-40 ESV)

So we get whatever we ask – when we ask in faith – but even those who did, didn’t see the fulfillment of what God had promised. They got something better!

Maybe I need to pray bigger prayers. Maybe prayers that my children will overcome the generations of sin and spiritual bondage that have held our families back from impacting the world for the glory of God. Prayers that the work I do today, even in writing a blog, or a book, will in the long run, impact women, save marriages and strengthen the church in ways I might never see or fully understand. Maybe even one life will come to know Jesus in a real, powerful, life changing way and embrace Him as not only their Savior, but Lord, and in bending their knee and wholeheartedly following Him, they will have a great impact on people I will never meet this side of heaven.

Maybe instead of temporal things I need to dream of a bigger legacy of a way that God, right now, today, would reach down and through this blog and other words I might speak, or hugs I might give, extend His message of grace to a hurting world.

My circumstances might stink. Sometimes I truly do want to quit the fight. But then I think of things like this and feel emboldened to stretch a little further. To take just one more step today in faith, knowing that in heaven, I will see the fruit of my labor and rejoice because I will have received the commendation of God. That joy will far outweigh my sorrows here. Some days I need to be reminded of that, don’t you?

Toxic

This post was first published elsewhere November 2010.

I was told a few years back, by a very well meaning Christian psychotherapist, that I should leave my husband because the environment was “toxic.”

I didn’t leave my husband but I did stop seeing that man. It’s not always wise to seek divorce as your first “go to” option.

I was thinking about this lately as it seems that there keeps coming up in the news things that have ‘unacceptable” levels of toxicity. Like baby food. Or lead in toys. Nothing in this world is pure as much as we would love to have it be so.

In essence, everything is toxic, simply because of sin. I’m toxic. I sin.

Our home has mold which makes me sick. It’s toxic. However we don’t have the money to move right now (short of burning it down there’s not much you can do about the mold inside the walls). We did bring in an air filter which has significantly helped with my health issues that the mold was causing. Is the house still toxic? Yes, but we have minimized the effects.

Our food is toxic, and we’ve tried to go to more organic stuff, but again finances have made that difficult. We can however avoid things that are more ‘top of the list” as we understand them: aspartame is particularly nasty and I had to do a detox for that as it was hobbling my memory. For different people, there are different things.

So my husband’s behavior and attitudes are toxic. The same can at times be said of my special needs son. I can’t avoid them and short of putting duct tape over their mouths (probably some legal issues with that), there isn’t always much I can do to avoid being contaminated. But maybe that is not totally true. I can immerse myself in God’s word. He says He will be a shield:

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psa 18:2 HCSB)

I think that there are always levels of ‘toxicity’ we will face in this sinful world. Whether it is in food, mold, or maybe even the words or actions of others around us that are not easily avoided. Only you can truly know what pushes that toxicity to a deadly level for you. However, in the meantime, take the antidote, the detox, the preventative; immerse yourself in God’s truth and in His church. And trust God to be your shield.

Blessings to you.

The Iridescence of Pain

This was originally posted on another blog October 2010

I was thinking about pearls today. Did you know that a natural pearl starts from a microscopic irritation or parasite that invades a mollusk? Yup. The offending item gets surrounded as a way to protect the clam and as layer after layer forms to isolate the irritation, something beautiful and precious emerges.

pearls show God's way of using pain to make something beautiful

In James 1, after some talk about the benefit of persevering under trials (and counting as joy?), a few verses later says this:

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (Jas 1:17 HCSB)

Trials and irritations in our life can either destroy us; resulting in bitterness, anger, wrath and other not so nice attributes, or they can create in us character that shines for the glory of God. Peace, joy, faithfulness. . . a gift.

A pearl starts with a minor irritation. Maybe you have a major one in your life; a spouse that’s challenging, or a kid that has special needs, or a chronic health issue or pain. It’s up to you to decide whether you will take the irritant that you cannot expel (clams are unable to simply kick the irritant out of their shell), and let it fester or allow it to grow wonderful things in your heart.

Godly character cannot be manufactured. Pearls can be grown and ‘cultured” – but they do not compare in the quality and priceless value of one that begins wild, organic, in the ocean starting with an irritant. We can fake it if we want, but when compared to true character, we will pale in comparison to someone who has allowed trials to mold and polish them in the image of Christ.

I want to shine. I want to shimmer and reflect God’s goodness and love to me that covers all those yucky irritations in my life. Heck, I should have a glorious string of pearls at this point in my life! Maybe they will be part of the crown Jesus gives me when I meet Him in the heavenlies!

I’m praying that today you recognize the beauty that comes as you persevere through trials so you can have an incomparable iridescence as the priceless treasure that you are to our King! Blessings!

Pressure Cooker

This is a repost from another blog in October of 2010.

I don’t have a pressure cooker. But I’ve seen and heard about them. You know, those large pans where you lock on a lid and then set things to boiling and the steam cannot come out until it reaches a certain pressure. The benefits of a pressure cooker are that foods can cook much faster as the heat is distributed, “very evenly, quickly and deeply.” (Wikipedia).

Pressure cookers also have a “safety valve” in case the pressure gets too high and the gauge isn’t working. This keeps the entire thing from exploding! Kabooom! Not what you really want to happen in your kitchen when the temperature is that hot. It’s also not a pretty thing to happen to us emotionally either – spewing our negativity to all around us is definitely ugly.

Well, sometimes life can feel like this, can’t it? When the pressure builds up and we can’t go anywhere with it. When someone wrongly accuses you but won’t listen to your explanation or taken responsibility for their own sin. Pressure builds. When disappointments pile up, seemingly small, one after another. Pressure builds. When attacks come against you that are unexpected and you can’t fight because the perpetrator is unknown. Pressure builds. When then bills keep piling up and the checking account is empty. Pressure builds. When the kids keep whining and fighting and making demands and you get no break and your sleep deprived. Pressure.

So, where’s your safety valve? I’m feeling pressure in some of those areas. Through the haze of the steam it makes it harder to see things as they really are. Sometimes I want to curse myself for being so vulnerable to pressure. It makes me feel so emotionally fragile at times. Sometimes being “human” is just not fun. Is anyone tracking with me here?

I’m not saying I have this figured out. I don’t. My only comfort is in reminding myself that God is maybe “cooking” me through the circumstances of life so that I WILL be more tender and sensitive to the hurts of those around me. Can I submit to the pressure knowing that there’s a higher purpose to it all?

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (Jas 1:2-4)

That’s all well and good, but still – what is my safety valve? What’s yours? Prayer. Praising God with music. Maybe coffee with a friend. Oh, a massage would help (if the checking account thing weren’t the issue), a phone call to someone who understands, journaling, maybe just a good long walk to expend some of the pent up adrenaline that occurs physically when there are emotional challenges? A good, from the diaphragm, scream?

How do you decompress? Seriously – any ideas would be welcome because sometimes we share things that can help others.

Here’s a song by Billy Joel that kind of exemplifies the challenge. Joel says “Here you are with your faith and your Peter Pan advice. . . and you cannot handle pressure.” Yes, Billy, there is a cosmic plan and while pressure will come, there’s nothing magical about the fact that we all have to deal with it. While I may not always understand God’s rationale for my pain and struggles, I can trust him and I am not alone. In this we have a hope that Mr. Joel has missed. Let’s not make his same mistake.

Hope

This was first posted by me in another blog October 2010.

For too long I have struggled in the darkness of difficult circumstances. Felt the clouds of despair settle over my soul. Doom and gloom. Kind of like Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. No hope.

Today I find myself feeling hopeful and even joyful. This is not a common state of being for me so I’m relishing it. Circumstances have not substantially changed, except that my husband is in one of his “good places” for the moment which must have an impact. And I’m getting wiser. I realize that it’s not going to last and I’m bracing myself. Hoping that when he crashes emotionally, I can withstand the impact. Twenty years + of history – it’s inevitable, barring a miracle of God.

What else has changed? Life has taken on a new “feel” in that I am finding new opportunities in which to invest myself away from my home. Writing. Pursuing publishing. Dipping my toes deeper into ministry challenges. Realizing some things there cannot be rushed, and that not all good goals can be pursued with equal intensity, all the time. Grace.

I’m learning to give myself grace. And as I relax into the depths of who God says He is, I find greater peace. I’ll admit that writing “Lifeline: Hope for Women in Difficult Marriages” is not an easy book. But I find joy in the writing, because so many of you have told me that you need this kind of book. We all want a solution when we are hurting , don’t we?

There’s not a “marriage repair shop” however. You cannot tune up one side of the car or put new tires on it, and with the other side of the car refusing repair, run smoothly. It’s just not going to happen. The new tires will wear unevenly and carry a heavier burden. So true if you are in a difficult marriage.

So I’m glad that we don’t have to walk that road alone. That when we park the car, we can have others around us to help re-inflate our tires and polish our hubcaps. And maybe wash our window so we can see more clearly. Even if we are in the passenger seat, which can feel so helpless, we are not without help or protection. The Holy Spirit is our seat belt and airbag. No better safety and security than when we are secured by God!

I’m still working on finding an agent/publisher for my book, driven not so much by the desire to make a name for myself, or fatten up my lean checking account. No, what compels me onward is the belief that as I write, I might be able to offer you hope, too. The hope I’ve so desperately at times needed (and I’m sure I will need again!). Please pray that God would open the right door for that, if it is His will. I want to move forward and help be there to blow the clouds of despair away, hug you with words that tell you “you are not alone,” and bring honor and glory to God as we persevere through difficult relationships.

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe”. (Pro 18:10)

Hope. Today it floats me. Praying you find some of that for yourself this week as well regardless of what trials you are facing. Let Jesus be your strong tower and hope in times of trouble.

Anniversary Musings

This was initially posted on another blog in October of 2010

In two days I will have been married to my husband for 20 years. I met him when I was 18 and we dated 7 years (and two cancelled weddings) before finally tying the knot. So I’ve basically been in a relationship with this man far longer than I was without.

It has been a long time since this date has been remarked on or even celebrated by us. This is not the “hubby forgetting about it,” kind of thing. It’s just not important to him. Investing in our relationship to him equates with spending money so he will not invest. We have no money. He doesn’t understand emotional currency.

Now, I cannot say that marrying this man was a “mistake” or something I “regret” because to do so would be to reject all the growth that has happened in my life because of the challenges I have faced in this relationship. And it would be as if I were saying that my three children were also an error.

I don’t look at this date with fondness. The calendar moves forward without any change in our marriage for the better. In some ways in recent years it has gotten WORSE! Happy? Not anywhere close.

So it is simply an “anniversary.” Not one I celebrate. I remember and reflect that in my attempts to follow and obey God, and still respect my husband as a person, has not wrought the “happy.” But I must remember that God is up to something far bigger than my happiness.

I was reminded this past weekend, listening to Andy Andrews talk, that one life, one choice, can impact millions. Every single thing we do has the possibility to impact the world for eternity. But how could you possibly know what that choice or action will be? Here’s the key (from me, not from Andy): Walk in step with the Holy Spirit and seek to be obedient to HIS leading every day of your life.

Sounds so much easier than it is. Not because the Holy Spirit is difficult. He is not! However – I am. My stubborn, rebellious heart often doesn’t want to let go of my sin to bend my knee before God in repentance. When this does happen though, the Holy Spirit has free reign to lead and guide me. When I give up my “rights” to happiness – I can find joy in following Jesus, even when the path is not easy.

He never promised it would be easy. He never promised roses and flowers and candelight. He promised that He would walk through life with us. The hard days. The painful nights. He captures our tears and holds us in the palm of His hand. Psalm 17:8 says “Guard me as the apple of your eye (daughter of the eye); Hide me in the shadow of your wings. . .” (HCSB). Wow. Love. Protection. God’s eyes light up at the sight of me. I am precious in HIS sight and His affirmation and love are far more important in span of eternity than my husband’s.

So how will my choice to stay in this marriage change the world? I don’t know. Really, it doesn’t matter as long as I am following God’s leading every day of my life. Day by day, He can lead me to bring glory and honor to His name, for eternity, as I submit to His leading. I wish I did this better, but I’m a work in process and I’ve grown so much. I am not the same woman who walked down the aisle 20 years ago. I’m certainly not the same size!

I may not celebrate a wedding anniversary, however, I can celebrate a God whose love and faithfulness have sustained me and molded me over the past 20 years into the woman I am right now, today. That’s a good place to be and something to rejoice in. To have a happy marriage at the expense of missing out on God’s best for me? Well, my human side would choose the “happy” every time. The longings of my heart can only be met in Christ and will find ultimate fulfillment in His presence. That I can celebrate.

Island of Misfit Toys II

This was originally written and posted on another blog in October of 2010.

Okay, so been thinking more about the misfit thing. Then I remembered that Paul felt that way too. Remember Paul? He was a noted theologian of his day and righteously protecting the faith when all of a sudden, WHAM! He encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus and was blinded by the LIGHT!

After that he had to go and wait three days, to meet a man who would restore his sight. (This is Acts 9). Can you imagine poor Ananias? God calls him to go to Damascus and meet with Paul (then called Saul) who was known to murder followers of Jesus. Yikes! Talk about faithful obedience. Ananias went, and Paul received his sight, and chose to follow Jesus. He went to join the other believers in Christ.

He had a little problem though. His reputation preceded him everywhere he went! Leaders amongst believers in Christ were hesitant to embrace him. He no longer fit with the Pharisees and other religious leaders of the day. He was truly a misfit! God obviously made a good choice though in this strong willed man who was grounded in Scripture and had converted to becoming a follower of Jesus. He persevered, was eventually accepted and embraced by the budding young Christian church and went on to become one of the most powerful forces in spreading the gospel.

Peter writes about us being as sojourners and aliens (some versions say exiles) in a foreign land. (1 Peter 2:11) Hmmmm. Another translation might be misfit! When Christ calls us out of darkness in to His glorious light, we are adopted into His family. We learn a new way of living and thinking and obedience to Him doesn’t always make sense to the outside world. Our new home is heaven. We’ve just got a job to do before we reach our final destination. Scripture is full of misfits.

Jesus himself did not have a home the three years he wandered Israel teaching and leading and healing. . . He too was a misfit. Scripture says in Isaiah that there was nothing in him to draw us to him. He wasn’t the handsome surfer dude we sometimes see depicted.

So, do you feel like a misfit, sometimes? If so, then you and I are not alone, but instead fall into some mighty impressive company! I’m so glad that God doesn’t make cookie-cutter Christians. We don’t have to look alike or wear the same clothing or even serve with the same gifts. God’s glory is magnified through the unity expressed in diversity within the body of Christ, His bride, the church.

I need to remember this when the world tells me I need to be a certain size, or that my children need to be raised in a perfect manner and that my home should be decorated, just so. My kids are not going to grow up perfect. No matter how hard I try, that is not possible, so I can relax and trust that as I obey God, HE will do HIS perfect work in and through me and my children for HIS glory. My home could be gone in the short span of one fire – it’s all just “stuff.” And my body size – I’m glad God knew I would be the way I am right now today and loves me just the same! We may all be misfits in some way, shape or form, but maybe that’s exactly what will set us apart for God’s glory to shine to the world.

The world doesn’t take kindly to those who march to the beat of the Holy Spirit’s leading. Paul was crucified upside down. Will you be brave enough to follow? Ananias was. Because of that one choice to obey – the Good News of Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection spread throughout the world. A ripple effect that continues in and through us today. Wow. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be a misfit after all?

The Island of Misfit Toys

I originally published this content in another blog in September 2010.

My life had changed significantly since September. My kids were all in school full time. My marriage was a barely manageable co-existence. I carried my volunteer “office” in my car. Visits with my family of origin felt like traveling to a foreign country where I didn’t know the language (so I conveniently lost my passport and didn’t visit if I coould avoid it).

I struggled with my identity when I left a paying full-time job to come home to be with my kids. I wanted that, but in addition to that change, my husband insisted on a move. Away from my support system and all my friends. Back to enemy territory, the same town as my family who really didn’t seem to like me. It was really hard to re-connect in this community. It only took a year to find opportunity to really serve using my gifts – friendships took longer. Two young children, isolation in the country, fragile income source from my self-employed spouse and keeping an eye on my unbeknownst-to-us-at-the-time, Alzhiemer’s afflicted mother-in-law. Whew!

That was eight years past and now Grandma was in a nursing home. We added a daughter to the mix. My health tanked on me. Marriage went from passable to worse. We struggled with a special needs kid and eventually gave up home-schooling.

Life had changed again in a different direction. It was something I had looked forward to but was finding a hidden threat in it. I was adrift. I had plenty to do with ministry and writing. Homework challenges, dinner, and keeping the dishes and clothes clean. However, we could seriously use an income as my spouse has added financial abuse to his list of control mechanisms.

There were no local jobs out there in my field. Writing is happening, but no agent yet, much less the coveted contract for a book. I avoided being home to stay away from my spouse. So I literally was “adrift”. Even when home I had no spot to myself. I was rootless. I needed to set my own agenda and I get things done but didn’t feel as productive as I would with my own “space”. We are supposed to be moving but I wasn’t sure where or when. I’d been in this holding pattern on this for YEARS!

I felt like a misfit in every aspect of my life. My marriage, even my family of origin, ministry (although there is a gift and passion fit), my writing “career”.

This brought to mind the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and the “Island of Misfit Toys.” We all want to fit in don’t we? (No, I’m not trying to anticipate Christmas here!)

I read on a website somewhere that misfits are the leaders of the world. Maybe that’s so, because we are not following the prescribed paths. But know this – it’s not because I don’t want to. I would love a spouse who adores and supports me and provides for me and my kids. I would love to come home to a house that I loved – and create a space there to work and live and entertain friends. I would love an income from a job (or financial support from my spouse would suffice). I really wouldn’t mind my family appreciating and applauding my choices in life. *sigh*

I’m not trying to have a pity party here. I’m simply struggling to come to grips with a new reality for my life. I crave security and stability and my life is anything but that. The emotional dissonance of what I want and what I have is creating some friction inside. An unsettledness. It’s new. It’s not fun. And I’m not really sure what to do about it but keep on with the tasks God has given me and hope He knows the answer and will reveal it in His perfect time. I’m seeking to find my stability and security in Him. . . but it can feel so intangible. In spite of that, I’ll keep pressing on in pursuing Him.

Are there any areas of your life where you feel like you don’t quite “fit” the mold?

Welcome: It All Starts Here

Welcome to my new blog. I originally began this years ago on another site but am transferring content here. I’ve been on a journey through many valleys, twists and turns. Relationship challenges, parenting issues, and then throw in an autoimmune disease just to make life interesting. I hope to encourage you as you travel your own path with God, to continue to hold HIS hand, to continue to see HIM as faithful, and to grow in the likeness of our precious Lord. If you are in it (whatever it is you are in) for the long haul, maybe you’ll find some encouragement here. For HIS glory alone.