Jesus – Lifeline

Three Weddings and No Funeral

Originally published August 2011.

Yes, I know , the movie staring Hugh Grant was actually FOUR Weddings and a Funeral. But this isn’t about Hugh Grant, even though he is cute and has a lovely accent and is fun to watch in the movies. My life has not been quite so comedic although I did plan three weddings.

Today I woke up unsettled as I kept feeling like today was supposed to have some meaning to me. Like it was important somehow. I checked my calendar. Nothing written down. No birthday or anniversary or anything even really scheduled. As I sat spending time in God’s Word and praying and journaling and reading some other great authors on faith – it hit me.

Today is the day I had originally scheduled my first wedding. I felt grief and sorrow hit me in the gut. See, I ended up marrying that man a few years later after much heartache. I look back on that young 19-year-old girl and see now that the patterns for abuse that I experience today –were already germinating back then. They were even set in place long before I met this man I would eventually marry. I despise how desperately needy I was for love that I didn’t see it and felt I didn’t deserve any better.

And I despise the fact that the enemy keeps telling me those lies even now.

The engagement took place on Valentine’s Day, and the wedding planned for August. Why wait? Except that the big surprise was that my fiancé, the one who surprisingly proposed to me, ended up calling it off. I was heartbroken. He of course blamed me, saying I was forcing him to marry me. Really? I don’t remember holding a gun to his head to propose. But my undervaluing of my personhood by my biological family only affirmed that yes, I was not worthy to marry this man (or any man for that matter – who would ever want me?). I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough and obviously, according to this man, I was too controlling.

Hindsight makes me want to weep at how wrong my fragile young heart was.

We did get engaged again, and I called off that one on the day of the wedding. We eventually did marry a few years later after much more abuse I was too ashamed to admit to because after all, I was a Christian. I was so used to taking the blame for the negative things that happened to me. I felt the weight of someone else’s sin as if it were my own and shame prevented me from speaking about it.

So I planned three weddings, went through with one, all to the same man. I’ve stayed married to him through better and worse. Mostly worse. I keep seeking God’s wisdom and truth about who I am in the midst of my challenging circumstances. And I pray for rescue.

See, I believe if God wants me out of my marriage He can do it. I don’t pray for my husband’s death, but I have thought about what life would be like when that happens. Practical things like liquidating his business and frivolous things like finally buying the bed that would be best for MY back. God could also bring my husband to divorce me, and I would consider him as an unbeliever and let him go. God could also decide to change things in my marriage as well.

So far there’s been no funeral.

Does that mean I should never consider legal separation? I don’t have biblical grounds (in the truest sense) to justify divorce. My husband, I believe, is mentally ill. I married for “in sickness and in health.” He won’t get treatment and is blind to his foolish ways and won’t seek wise counsel. I pray for God’s leading and guiding.

It is hard not to long for escape. Today I grieve a young woman who did the best she could in her circumstances 26 years ago. I weep for her vulnerable heart and I grieve for the loss of many dreams – primarily of being loved and cherished by my husband. I have to believe my “happily ever after” ultimately is with Jesus and my lack in this life and marriage forces me to depend on Him in a deeper way than I probably would have otherwise.

Do I sound foolish to you? Many would say “Leave” but it really is not so easy. However I am praying a different prayer now. Not just one of “rescue” or for a job or some other way to survive. I’m praying that for the sake of the glory of God and His name and power shown through my life, that He will break the bonds of control that are currently holding me captive. Not just that I would endure them with grace, or that I would try to break them on my own (realistically, it would not happen even with a divorce or separation, no matter what a lawyer might tell me). My heart has to listen to my God and that can be a difficult voice to hear amongst the negativity, grief and old message tapes that tell me I am unworthy of the love and devotion of a godly man.

In reality I have the love and devotion of a godly man already. His name is Jesus. And maybe, just maybe, if I were not struggling in the way that I am, I would not be as driven to seek my value, worth and love from my Creator King who also says:

“For your husband is your Maker. His name is Yaweh of Hosts – and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer. He is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like wife of youth when she is cast off.” (Isaiah 54:5-6)

I am loved and cherished and worthy of that from the One who made me and will use me for His glory, in spite of my pain and suffering. If God can be glorified in me today, then I will be grateful that I was found usable by Him. I may not see the impact. I have to trust the outcome to Him and cling to my Husband and trust Him for everything else. He’s my God. He can do it.

Toxic

This post was first published elsewhere November 2010.

I was told a few years back, by a very well meaning Christian psychotherapist, that I should leave my husband because the environment was “toxic.”

I didn’t leave my husband but I did stop seeing that man. It’s not always wise to seek divorce as your first “go to” option.

I was thinking about this lately as it seems that there keeps coming up in the news things that have ‘unacceptable” levels of toxicity. Like baby food. Or lead in toys. Nothing in this world is pure as much as we would love to have it be so.

In essence, everything is toxic, simply because of sin. I’m toxic. I sin.

Our home has mold which makes me sick. It’s toxic. However we don’t have the money to move right now (short of burning it down there’s not much you can do about the mold inside the walls). We did bring in an air filter which has significantly helped with my health issues that the mold was causing. Is the house still toxic? Yes, but we have minimized the effects.

Our food is toxic, and we’ve tried to go to more organic stuff, but again finances have made that difficult. We can however avoid things that are more ‘top of the list” as we understand them: aspartame is particularly nasty and I had to do a detox for that as it was hobbling my memory. For different people, there are different things.

So my husband’s behavior and attitudes are toxic. The same can at times be said of my special needs son. I can’t avoid them and short of putting duct tape over their mouths (probably some legal issues with that), there isn’t always much I can do to avoid being contaminated. But maybe that is not totally true. I can immerse myself in God’s word. He says He will be a shield:

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psa 18:2 HCSB)

I think that there are always levels of ‘toxicity’ we will face in this sinful world. Whether it is in food, mold, or maybe even the words or actions of others around us that are not easily avoided. Only you can truly know what pushes that toxicity to a deadly level for you. However, in the meantime, take the antidote, the detox, the preventative; immerse yourself in God’s truth and in His church. And trust God to be your shield.

Blessings to you.

Hope

This was first posted by me in another blog October 2010.

For too long I have struggled in the darkness of difficult circumstances. Felt the clouds of despair settle over my soul. Doom and gloom. Kind of like Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. No hope.

Today I find myself feeling hopeful and even joyful. This is not a common state of being for me so I’m relishing it. Circumstances have not substantially changed, except that my husband is in one of his “good places” for the moment which must have an impact. And I’m getting wiser. I realize that it’s not going to last and I’m bracing myself. Hoping that when he crashes emotionally, I can withstand the impact. Twenty years + of history – it’s inevitable, barring a miracle of God.

What else has changed? Life has taken on a new “feel” in that I am finding new opportunities in which to invest myself away from my home. Writing. Pursuing publishing. Dipping my toes deeper into ministry challenges. Realizing some things there cannot be rushed, and that not all good goals can be pursued with equal intensity, all the time. Grace.

I’m learning to give myself grace. And as I relax into the depths of who God says He is, I find greater peace. I’ll admit that writing “Lifeline: Hope for Women in Difficult Marriages” is not an easy book. But I find joy in the writing, because so many of you have told me that you need this kind of book. We all want a solution when we are hurting , don’t we?

There’s not a “marriage repair shop” however. You cannot tune up one side of the car or put new tires on it, and with the other side of the car refusing repair, run smoothly. It’s just not going to happen. The new tires will wear unevenly and carry a heavier burden. So true if you are in a difficult marriage.

So I’m glad that we don’t have to walk that road alone. That when we park the car, we can have others around us to help re-inflate our tires and polish our hubcaps. And maybe wash our window so we can see more clearly. Even if we are in the passenger seat, which can feel so helpless, we are not without help or protection. The Holy Spirit is our seat belt and airbag. No better safety and security than when we are secured by God!

I’m still working on finding an agent/publisher for my book, driven not so much by the desire to make a name for myself, or fatten up my lean checking account. No, what compels me onward is the belief that as I write, I might be able to offer you hope, too. The hope I’ve so desperately at times needed (and I’m sure I will need again!). Please pray that God would open the right door for that, if it is His will. I want to move forward and help be there to blow the clouds of despair away, hug you with words that tell you “you are not alone,” and bring honor and glory to God as we persevere through difficult relationships.

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe”. (Pro 18:10)

Hope. Today it floats me. Praying you find some of that for yourself this week as well regardless of what trials you are facing. Let Jesus be your strong tower and hope in times of trouble.