hope

This was first posted by me in another blog October 2010.

For too long I have struggled in the darkness of difficult circumstances. Felt the clouds of despair settle over my soul. Doom and gloom. Kind of like Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. No hope.

Today I find myself feeling hopeful and even joyful. This is not a common state of being for me so I’m relishing it. Circumstances have not substantially changed, except that my husband is in one of his “good places” for the moment which must have an impact. And I’m getting wiser. I realize that it’s not going to last and I’m bracing myself. Hoping that when he crashes emotionally, I can withstand the impact. Twenty years + of history – it’s inevitable, barring a miracle of God.

What else has changed? Life has taken on a new “feel” in that I am finding new opportunities in which to invest myself away from my home. Writing. Pursuing publishing. Dipping my toes deeper into ministry challenges. Realizing some things there cannot be rushed, and that not all good goals can be pursued with equal intensity, all the time. Grace.

I’m learning to give myself grace. And as I relax into the depths of who God says He is, I find greater peace. I’ll admit that writing “Lifeline: Hope for Women in Difficult Marriages” is not an easy book. But I find joy in the writing, because so many of you have told me that you need this kind of book. We all want a solution when we are hurting , don’t we?

There’s not a “marriage repair shop” however. You cannot tune up one side of the car or put new tires on it, and with the other side of the car refusing repair, run smoothly. It’s just not going to happen. The new tires will wear unevenly and carry a heavier burden. So true if you are in a difficult marriage.

So I’m glad that we don’t have to walk that road alone. That when we park the car, we can have others around us to help re-inflate our tires and polish our hubcaps. And maybe wash our window so we can see more clearly. Even if we are in the passenger seat, which can feel so helpless, we are not without help or protection. The Holy Spirit is our seat belt and airbag. No better safety and security than when we are secured by God!

I’m still working on finding an agent/publisher for my book, driven not so much by the desire to make a name for myself, or fatten up my lean checking account. No, what compels me onward is the belief that as I write, I might be able to offer you hope, too. The hope I’ve so desperately at times needed (and I’m sure I will need again!). Please pray that God would open the right door for that, if it is His will. I want to move forward and help be there to blow the clouds of despair away, hug you with words that tell you “you are not alone,” and bring honor and glory to God as we persevere through difficult relationships.

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe”. (Pro 18:10)

Hope. Today it floats me. Praying you find some of that for yourself this week as well regardless of what trials you are facing. Let Jesus be your strong tower and hope in times of trouble.

Anniversary Musings

This was initially posted on another blog in October of 2010

In two days I will have been married to my husband for 20 years. I met him when I was 18 and we dated 7 years (and two cancelled weddings) before finally tying the knot. So I’ve basically been in a relationship with this man far longer than I was without.

It has been a long time since this date has been remarked on or even celebrated by us. This is not the “hubby forgetting about it,” kind of thing. It’s just not important to him. Investing in our relationship to him equates with spending money so he will not invest. We have no money. He doesn’t understand emotional currency.

Now, I cannot say that marrying this man was a “mistake” or something I “regret” because to do so would be to reject all the growth that has happened in my life because of the challenges I have faced in this relationship. And it would be as if I were saying that my three children were also an error.

I don’t look at this date with fondness. The calendar moves forward without any change in our marriage for the better. In some ways in recent years it has gotten WORSE! Happy? Not anywhere close.

So it is simply an “anniversary.” Not one I celebrate. I remember and reflect that in my attempts to follow and obey God, and still respect my husband as a person, has not wrought the “happy.” But I must remember that God is up to something far bigger than my happiness.

I was reminded this past weekend, listening to Andy Andrews talk, that one life, one choice, can impact millions. Every single thing we do has the possibility to impact the world for eternity. But how could you possibly know what that choice or action will be? Here’s the key (from me, not from Andy): Walk in step with the Holy Spirit and seek to be obedient to HIS leading every day of your life.

Sounds so much easier than it is. Not because the Holy Spirit is difficult. He is not! However – I am. My stubborn, rebellious heart often doesn’t want to let go of my sin to bend my knee before God in repentance. When this does happen though, the Holy Spirit has free reign to lead and guide me. When I give up my “rights” to happiness – I can find joy in following Jesus, even when the path is not easy.

He never promised it would be easy. He never promised roses and flowers and candelight. He promised that He would walk through life with us. The hard days. The painful nights. He captures our tears and holds us in the palm of His hand. Psalm 17:8 says “Guard me as the apple of your eye (daughter of the eye); Hide me in the shadow of your wings. . .” (HCSB). Wow. Love. Protection. God’s eyes light up at the sight of me. I am precious in HIS sight and His affirmation and love are far more important in span of eternity than my husband’s.

So how will my choice to stay in this marriage change the world? I don’t know. Really, it doesn’t matter as long as I am following God’s leading every day of my life. Day by day, He can lead me to bring glory and honor to His name, for eternity, as I submit to His leading. I wish I did this better, but I’m a work in process and I’ve grown so much. I am not the same woman who walked down the aisle 20 years ago. I’m certainly not the same size!

I may not celebrate a wedding anniversary, however, I can celebrate a God whose love and faithfulness have sustained me and molded me over the past 20 years into the woman I am right now, today. That’s a good place to be and something to rejoice in. To have a happy marriage at the expense of missing out on God’s best for me? Well, my human side would choose the “happy” every time. The longings of my heart can only be met in Christ and will find ultimate fulfillment in His presence. That I can celebrate.

Welcome: It All Starts Here

Welcome to my new blog. I originally began this years ago on another site but am transferring content here. I’ve been on a journey through many valleys, twists and turns. Relationship challenges, parenting issues, and then throw in an autoimmune disease just to make life interesting. I hope to encourage you as you travel your own path with God, to continue to hold HIS hand, to continue to see HIM as faithful, and to grow in the likeness of our precious Lord. If you are in it (whatever it is you are in) for the long haul, maybe you’ll find some encouragement here. For HIS glory alone.