Tag: waiting

Procovery

Originally published April 2012.

As life deals us those brutal blows and we struggle with the reality of here and now, it’s tempting to long for what we used to have, whether it be health, a happy home, that lost loved one. But sometimes our “plan A” is just not ever going to be reality. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

THe Day Room

Many years ago I attended a conference on mental health and heard Kathleen Crowley tell her story. As a result of a medical mishap, she was forced to live with permanent intense pain. Pain medication made her mentally unstable. But medication for depression intensified her pain. She ended up in a mental ward at the hospital and she writes about her experience in a book called The Day Room.

Out of her tragic story (she still experiences intense pain) she developed a concept called procovery. It’s not even a “plan B” for life. Instead of seeking to get back to prior health (physical or mental), she purports that we need to come to a new concept of recovery. That where we are now IS where we are supposed to be and to live successfully within that.

This is difficult. Does that mean we give in and simply state that “this is who I am and it’s not going to change?” How does one do that in the face of health challenges. Is it every totally hopeless that you can recover what you lost? When do we give up and give in?

I’ve been struggling with this as I fight my own health battles. My chiropractor was telling me “This may just be the way you ARE, and you may need to live with that.” When it comes to weight loss, or chronic back issues or depression – is there every really a point where you just give in and accept instead of frustratingly fight?

How does one live in the reality of “this may be all the better it may get” and yet the hope that God in His infinite mercy could possibly change things – if HE chose?

Michael J Fox tries all kinds of treatments to halt the progression of Parkinson’s. I’m not saying that’s bad, but to what point will he accept that this disease will eventually win the battle? Christopher Reeve did all kinds of therapy to help him regain the use of his body, paralyzed due to a fall from horseback. In the end pneumonia claimed his life.

Sometimes I wonder if our modern day treatments and our western mentality that wants what we want and we want it NOW raises the standard too high for our expectations that lives can be saved and improved with the miracle of modern medicine.  We rail against God when we don’t get the answer WE want. This wasn’t as big of an issue 100 yrs ago when the reality of death, while hard, was more easily accepted as a natural part of life. Life is terminal.

What do we lose when we put all our energies into our recovery instead of seeking what God wants to teach us in the midst of our pain?

Mentally I’m not a peace with living forever with my various health challenges. I struggle to find contentment in the present while at the same time doing what is good and healthy that could hopefully turn things around. Because of this cognitive dissonance, I often sabotage my efforts in the latter category. I want to lose weight – but then I eat too much. I work out but don’t know to what degree that triggers the inflammation issues of my Hashimoto’s disease and will backfire causing me to gain weight rather than lose it.

On the flip side, I have a broken marriage. I’m still with my husband.  But I’ve emotionally given up hope of restoration of the marriage relationship. Have I then given up on the fact that God COULD do that? I beat myself up for my lack of faith and giving in to reality.

Procovery is a good goal – but it’s a hard one. Hard because if we believe in Jesus Christ and that God is sovereign over it all, we don’t know when He may choose to act to change things. IF we want it to be His will, then we have to stop praying for healing, and simply start seeking His face and trusting Him for today and focus more on glorifying Him in THIS moment – rather than focusing on our own future dream.

I sure wish I was better at this.  Do you struggle as well? May you find God to be faithful to you in the process.

The Island of Misfit Toys

I originally published this content in another blog in September 2010.

My life had changed significantly since September. My kids were all in school full time.  My marriage was a barely manageable co-existence.  I carried my volunteer “office” in my car.  Visits with my family of origin felt like traveling to a foreign country where I didn’t know the language (so I conveniently lost my passport and didn’t visit if I coould avoid it).

I struggled with my identity when I left a paying full-time job to come home to be with my kids. I wanted that, but in addition to that change, my husband insisted on a move. Away from my support system and all my friends.  Back to enemy territory, the same town as my family who really didn’t seem to like me. It was really hard to re-connect in this community.  It only took a year to find opportunity to really serve using my gifts – friendships took longer.  Two young children, isolation in the country, fragile income source from my self-employed spouse and keeping an eye on my unbeknownst-to-us-at-the-time, Alzhiemer’s afflicted mother-in-law.  Whew!

That was eight years past and now Grandma was in a nursing home. We added a daughter to the mix.  My health tanked on me.  Marriage went from passable to worse.  We struggled with a special needs kid and eventually gave up home-schooling.

Life had changed again in a different direction.  It was something I had looked forward to but was finding a hidden threat in it.  I was adrift.  I had plenty to do with ministry and writing.  Homework challenges, dinner, and keeping the dishes and clothes clean.  However, we could seriously use an income as my spouse has added financial abuse to his list of control mechanisms.

There were no local jobs out there in my field.  Writing is happening, but no agent yet, much less the coveted contract for a book.  I avoided being home to stay away from my spouse.  So I literally was “adrift”.  Even when home I had no spot to myself.  I was rootless.  I needed to set my own agenda and I get things done but didn’t feel as productive as I would with my own “space”.  We are supposed to be moving but I wasn’t sure where or when. I’d been in this holding pattern on this for YEARS! 

misfitsI felt like a misfit in every aspect of my life.  My marriage, even my family of origin, ministry (although there is a gift and passion fit), my writing “career”.

This brought to mind the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and the “Island of Misfit Toys.”  We all want to fit in don’t we? (No, I’m not trying to anticipate Christmas here!)

I read on a website somewhere that misfits are the leaders of the world.  Maybe that’s so, because we are not following the prescribed paths.  But know this – it’s not because I don’t want to. I would love a spouse who adores and supports me and provides for me and my kids. I would love to come home to a house that I loved – and create a space there to work and live and entertain friends.  I would love an income from a job (or financial support from my spouse would suffice).  I really wouldn’t mind my family appreciating and applauding my choices in life.  *sigh*

I’m not trying to have a pity party here. I’m simply struggling to come to grips with a new reality for my life.  I crave security and stability and my life is anything but that.  The emotional dissonance of what I want and what I have is creating some friction inside. An unsettledness. It’s new. It’s not fun.  And I’m not really sure what to do about it but keep on with the tasks God has given me and hope He knows the answer and will reveal it in His perfect time. I’m seeking to find my stability and security in Him. . . but it can feel so intangible. In spite of that, I’ll keep pressing on in pursuing Him.

Are there any areas of your life where you feel like you don’t quite “fit” the mold?