God – Lifeline

The Anti-love Story

This post is originally from February 2011

I chuckled when I discovered that my non-fiction book: “Lessons from the Trenches: Staying in a Difficult Marriage” did not make the cut in the Women of Faith/Westbow competition.

It looks like most of the finalists were romance. Yes, we all want romance. Who wants reality?

A few months back when I was working on the book, a bride-to-be and her mother were sitting down at a table next to me planning for a wedding. The irony of that struck me. She has stars in her eyes, dreams in her heart and confidence in the power of love that will sustain her till she is old and grey through whatever comes their way. It’s a dream we all buy into, isn’t it?

That’s why Disney has made so much money. Why my daughter loves to watch movies about Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid . . . we are raised from early on in the good ol’ US of A to believe that the pursuit of happiness means “happily ever after.”

And no one could tell us it’s a myth. Yet it’s as much a deception as the prosperity gospel that promises that God desires us all to be wealthy and healthy and anything less is an abomination to the faith.

Hosea was told to marry a prostitute and repeatedly take her back as an example to the Israel of how they were treating God. How Hosea’s heart must have been crushed over and over. Now maybe he was a less than stellar example of manhood. We really don’t know. But it had to be a blow to his pride to have his wife repeatedly seek her “entertainment” with other men.

Most women feel shamed and slighted even when a husband chooses to stimulate himself through pornography. It’s like they are not enough to hold his interest, to satisfy his needs. Actually it has nothing to do with that – but tell that to a woman’s hurting heart.

We women long to be the center of our husband’s love. After Jesus, we want to be important, secure, protected, cherished. And we crash inwardly when that is withheld from us for whatever reason.

The enemy is behind all these lies that we have bought into and we are gullible enough to keep pursuing the myth.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. I remember one where I got a dozen red roses. I still have the vase. It’s in my bathroom with silk roses. A mockery of the promise of vibrant love that turned plastic. The diamond I had been given one year, I ended up giving back. I then got it as a necklace, I was too hurt and afraid to wear. Last year due to our financially difficulties I finally sold it to help buy groceries. I put it to better use than sitting in a drawer where it had been for 20+ years, another reminder of pain and sorrow. I still have my wedding ring, although it too feels like a mockery of promises made and unkept.

So reality sucks, doesn’t it? When we have been hurt, abandoned, criticized, abused. . . Valentine’s Day doesn’t seem like a nice holiday. It mocks us and reminds us of our loss and maybe even brings us to grieve again those childhood dreams.

I’m still married in spite of all that. I’m walking in obedience to my Lord in the midst of my pain and struggle. My girlfriend said that my book is not an “un-romance” but rather a look at the most important romance of all – of me and my Jesus. The God who pursued me and gave me more than diamonds. He gave His life to redeem mine. That is true love and it is eternal and far more secure than what any human on earth can give.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I do wish you love and joy. But I pray that you ultimately are finding that in the arms of a Savior who desires you more than any human ever could. He will never leave or forsake you and He will walk with you through the pain of the other disappointments that this life dishes out. This world is not my home. Someday I will have all the hearts and flowers and a place to live beyond compare that my Lord is building for me – and for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Blessings

The Island of Misfit Toys

I originally published this content in another blog in September 2010.

My life had changed significantly since September. My kids were all in school full time. My marriage was a barely manageable co-existence. I carried my volunteer “office” in my car. Visits with my family of origin felt like traveling to a foreign country where I didn’t know the language (so I conveniently lost my passport and didn’t visit if I coould avoid it).

I struggled with my identity when I left a paying full-time job to come home to be with my kids. I wanted that, but in addition to that change, my husband insisted on a move. Away from my support system and all my friends. Back to enemy territory, the same town as my family who really didn’t seem to like me. It was really hard to re-connect in this community. It only took a year to find opportunity to really serve using my gifts – friendships took longer. Two young children, isolation in the country, fragile income source from my self-employed spouse and keeping an eye on my unbeknownst-to-us-at-the-time, Alzhiemer’s afflicted mother-in-law. Whew!

That was eight years past and now Grandma was in a nursing home. We added a daughter to the mix. My health tanked on me. Marriage went from passable to worse. We struggled with a special needs kid and eventually gave up home-schooling.

Life had changed again in a different direction. It was something I had looked forward to but was finding a hidden threat in it. I was adrift. I had plenty to do with ministry and writing. Homework challenges, dinner, and keeping the dishes and clothes clean. However, we could seriously use an income as my spouse has added financial abuse to his list of control mechanisms.

There were no local jobs out there in my field. Writing is happening, but no agent yet, much less the coveted contract for a book. I avoided being home to stay away from my spouse. So I literally was “adrift”. Even when home I had no spot to myself. I was rootless. I needed to set my own agenda and I get things done but didn’t feel as productive as I would with my own “space”. We are supposed to be moving but I wasn’t sure where or when. I’d been in this holding pattern on this for YEARS!

I felt like a misfit in every aspect of my life. My marriage, even my family of origin, ministry (although there is a gift and passion fit), my writing “career”.

This brought to mind the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and the “Island of Misfit Toys.” We all want to fit in don’t we? (No, I’m not trying to anticipate Christmas here!)

I read on a website somewhere that misfits are the leaders of the world. Maybe that’s so, because we are not following the prescribed paths. But know this – it’s not because I don’t want to. I would love a spouse who adores and supports me and provides for me and my kids. I would love to come home to a house that I loved – and create a space there to work and live and entertain friends. I would love an income from a job (or financial support from my spouse would suffice). I really wouldn’t mind my family appreciating and applauding my choices in life. *sigh*

I’m not trying to have a pity party here. I’m simply struggling to come to grips with a new reality for my life. I crave security and stability and my life is anything but that. The emotional dissonance of what I want and what I have is creating some friction inside. An unsettledness. It’s new. It’s not fun. And I’m not really sure what to do about it but keep on with the tasks God has given me and hope He knows the answer and will reveal it in His perfect time. I’m seeking to find my stability and security in Him. . . but it can feel so intangible. In spite of that, I’ll keep pressing on in pursuing Him.

Are there any areas of your life where you feel like you don’t quite “fit” the mold?

Welcome: It All Starts Here

Welcome to my new blog. I originally began this years ago on another site but am transferring content here. I’ve been on a journey through many valleys, twists and turns. Relationship challenges, parenting issues, and then throw in an autoimmune disease just to make life interesting. I hope to encourage you as you travel your own path with God, to continue to hold HIS hand, to continue to see HIM as faithful, and to grow in the likeness of our precious Lord. If you are in it (whatever it is you are in) for the long haul, maybe you’ll find some encouragement here. For HIS glory alone.